Category Archives: obsession

my sugar demon

i am really struggling right now with this sugar addiction thing. yes, addiction. i believe that it is possible to have an addiction to sugar, and my belief is backed up by numerous articles and websites i’ve read online. (yeah, i know… but i saw it on the internet so it has to be true!) i can go for a few days without it and feel great and think that, okay, i can do this, i don’t want sugar ever again. then something will happen at work that triggers a need in me to make myself feel better by having a reese’s peanut butter cup or two, and next thing i know, i’ve bought a bag of reese’s miniatures, and ultimately, instead of feeling better about myself, i feel so much worse.

other than the sugar thing, i feel that my diet in general is pretty decent, although i’m sure conventional wisdom would beg to differ on that. the paleo/primal way of eating is the best for me and my continued longevity, i’m sure of that. i know i feel so much better, and move so much better, when i’m eating this way than when not. the thing is that about 90% of the time i *am* eating this way, the sugar thing notwithstanding. and that actually is not necessarily good for me, but only because eating sugars and starches with high concentrations of fat in the diet is what causes people to gain weight, and develop diabetes, cardiovascular issues, etc., ad nauseum. it’s not the fat i’m eating that is the problem; it’s the combination of the fat and the high carbs, and that is what i’ve got to get a handle on. it’s not even that the carbs are so high, because i rarely eat bread or pasta or potatoes anymore. the carbs are coming from the sugar fixes i seem to need daily, usually at mid-morning, and right after lunch, and then maybe once i get home from work, about an hour before dinner(!).

this is what i normally eat during a week (other than the sugar, that is). for breakfast each morning i have 2 eggs scrambled in butter. lunch is whatever i had for dinner the previous evening. dinner is usually something like one of these:

  • liver and onions (recipe adapted from here), with mashed cauliflower and butter
  • shrimp sautéed in butter and various spices with steamed spinach
  • pesto kale (adapting a recipe i got from here), with kale or spinach, broccoli, and sausage all starring, with an amazing supporting cast of spices, onion, garlic, peppers, and coconut oil.
  • a salad made with mixed greens, chicken or salmon, avocado, red onion, nuts, bacon, and a homemade dressing (olive oil, vinegar, and whatever else strikes my fancy) (kinda adapted from here)

sometimes i’ll mix things up by having tilapia with steamed broccoli and butter, or a bison burger topped with bacon and avocado, but usually it’s one of those meals mentioned above. also, in the fall and winter, i make a very decent beanless chili or a primal jambalaya using cauliflower rice. most of the time i’m happy with a meal consisting of a healthy protein, some sort of fat, and something green (or cauliflower, as the case may be). i feel good when i eat like this, especially when combined with my daily dose of cod liver oil, along with a probiotic. (and on weekend mornings, i add bacon to those two scrambled eggs.)

so why oh why do i sabotage the good eating like this could do for me by basically eating crap? and it is crap. i notice that, even as much as i love reese’s, they have a fake taste about them. it’s because they aren’t real food. they are made in a factory, using chemicals that supposedly taste like what they are trying to represent, chocolate and peanut butter. (of course i’m not sure because at their website, while they do provide ‘nutritional’ information, there’s no listing of actual ingredients that i can find. because they want me to think that i’m eating real chocolate and real peanut butter.) oddly enough, when i’m eating real chocolate, that is, dark 88% cocoa chocolate, i need two small squares, and i’m satisfied. that’s because it’s a real food. and when i have those two squares, i don’t obsess over when i’m gonna have a chance to have my next two squares. it ain’t no big thang, because i know that eventually i’ll have some at a future time. or i won’t. and it’s okay either way. but with reese’s, it’s like gimme more, gimme more. and because of that greed, that desperation, and the sneakiness and lies (i am lying to myself every time i convince myself that it’s okay, this one last time) behind it all, i really shouldn’t have any.

cold turkey is the only way for me. i’ve done it before, and have been successful for days at a time. i just need to wake up tomorrow morning, hop back on that wagon, and do it again, and when i have that shitty day at work, instead of running off to CVS for my reese’s fix, i need to call a friend, or type it out, or do something physical to work out whatever the issue of that moment is. otherwise, all the other things i’m doing for my own health and well-being are useless, as far as i’m concerned.



here are the lyrics to the song that has been in my head over the past few days (courtesy of ):

Title: Fuck Was I (Jenny Owen Youngs)

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I’m developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I’ll be the lucky one that doesn’t get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer,
I’ve got more give than a bale of hay,
and there’s always a big mess left over.
What did you do?
What did you say?

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I’ll be the special one that doesn’t get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
and I’m having some trouble just breathing.
If we werent such good friends I think that I’d hate you.
If we weren’t such good friends I’d wish you were dead.

Oh it’s so embarrasing
I’m this awkward and uncomparable thing,
and I’m running out of places to hide.

What the fuck was I thinking?

y’all can probably guess one of the reasons this song is in my head (the sgc), but let’s just say i don’t write about everything going on in my little world.

snapshots of my dream kitchen

i’ve found some awesome websites over the last week. there’s reality sandwich that i wrote about yesterday, and a site that’s somewhat related, souldish, “a web magazine for cultural pioneers exploring the frontiers of spirituality, science, media, art, and sustainability”, to hear them tell it. but i’ve found what could be the most addictive of them all, especially because i love to hang out in my tiny kitchen, apartment therapy, and its sister site, the kitchn. and pictured above, found at the kitchn, is something akin to my dream kitchen. (and it’s not all that far off from what i have, except mine is much smaller, and he has a lot more pans and knives.) sigh. yeah, i’ve wasted most of this evening jumping around these two sister sites. c and i are going garage saleing tomorrow morning, and maybe i can find some cool things (and things i actually need and will use) to contribute to the dream. (maybe at some point in the near future i’ll take some kitchen pics and post here, just ‘cuz.)

the wisdom of the many

i think i have a new obsession. it’s called, a social networking website consisting primarily of people asking one another yes/no questions. y’all should check it out. this is something i think i could sit and entertain myself with for hours.

here is my first question that i just posted: