Category Archives: money

the lottery

i am an annoyed woman this morning, and it’s not because i’m up at 6:30 a.m. on a sunday morning. the last two mornings i’ve had three dreams having to do with winning large sums of money from the lottery. the dreams seem so real that all three times after waking up, i’m pissed because they were dreams. yet, i probably shouldn’t be pissed, because the universe is trying to tell me something (and i don’t think that it’s literally that i would win the lottery if only i would play!). this last time, just now, i’ve asked the universe to show me somehow during waking hours what the meaning of these dreams might be.

dream 1: details are kinda fuzzy at this point, but i’m doing some sort of work that i enjoy. i’m carrying a large folder containing a number of checks i’ve received for my work, but most of the checks are for small dollar amounts. (i remember one check being for something like $14 and another check for a little over $3.) i then see a check for a little over $23,000, which to me in the dream is an indication that i’ve won this amount of money. i go to find my sister, who is shopping in an eclectic boutique a couple of doors down from where i’m working. we have a conversation which unfortunately i no longer remember, and i wake up.

dream 2: i’m in some sort of studio with my sister where she is designing clothes. she lets me know that she’s won the lottery and that i will get a  huge share of it, because she won off of $1 that i gave her and using numbers i provided. i joke and say that it’s all mine, but don’t really mean it, and am happy for her because she will finally get the house that she’s wanted. there’s a discussion on whether it’s the ‘missouri lottery’ vs. ‘the lottery’. she shows me the winning ticket and it says ‘the lottery’ across the top. she tells me that she’s won $20 million, but is not going to announce till the press conference on wednesday. meanwhile, she has to continue working like nothing has happened. we talk about what we will do with the money, and i’m excited because this means i can quit my job and build an off-grid cabin in the woods.

then i wake up, and boy am i pissed! 🙂 but i fall right back asleep and into dream 3 (which may or may not be a continuation of dream 2): i’m in sedalia in a car with my sister, and my (deceased) mother is driving. we pull up in front of our old house on pettis street, which in this dream is still standing. my sister and i are happy because we have  plans to tear the house down and build something useful there, like a community center. we’re also happy because we’re thinking of the good we can do for family and friends still living in sedalia. and of course i’m thinking again of the off-grid house on want to build and trying to determine if i should just have work done on my current vehicle or buy a new one. then we are riding in the car again, with brenda still driving, but she is turned to talk to me on the passenger side. i say something about hating having to act normal for a few more days until we get the money. i then say to brenda that the only other time i’ve felt this way is right after her funeral, when i couldn’t understand how everyone around me could go on like everything was normal when my world had ended after her death. she takes my hand (something she’d never done when she was alive) and says, ‘frank says that sounds about right.’ i ask her if she can talk to frank from the other side, and she replies yes. inwardly i am impressed by burgeoning psychic ability.

and i wake up and i’m pissed off once again!

really, pissed is probably too strong a word. however, even the $23,000 from the first dream would go a long way in helping to extricate myself from this system. (i guess i’d be using money to get out of the monetary system. go figure. that’s why the current monetary system is so fucked up.) but, more importantly, this may have nothing to do with money. however, having these dreams so close together feels like the universe is trying to tell me something, that some good, some sort of abundance, monetary or otherwise, is perhaps coming my way. we shall see. meanwhile, i’m going to go back to bed, maybe sleep for a couple more hours, then enjoy my sunday, preparing for another workweek as usual.

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when you find a fork in the road, take it

today i understand clearly, perhaps for the first time, that i will likely never again hold the type of job that is coveted by most job-seekers: the full-time position with medical benefits, paid vacay, paid sick days, and all those other little perks that come along with being a wage slave. it just isn’t going to happen for me. part of that is simply a function of the current economic climate. there are people in my town with masters and doctoral degrees competing with one another for retail and service-oriented jobs. (my degrees are in art and religious studies; seriously, other than teaching, what other job would i qualify for but retail?) to even get an interview at the local university is considered to be a major coup (a coup that i managed to achieve once but didn’t make it past the interview). so it seems that i have no choice in the matter.

yet, because of the lifestyle i ultimately want to live, it is a choice i’m making, a choice to end the futility but also a choice to consciously live a life more aligned with my values. and yeah, it’s obviously also a choice born of necessity. if i still held my last position at kcpl, i would hold onto it indefinitely, especially knowing what i know now, but you know what they say about hindsight. still, as i planned for library school and my eventual career as a professional librarian, part of the plan was that i’d also do this urban farm woman thing. i’d work a few years as a full-time librarian in an academic library to save up for a little fixer-upper bungalow. once i got the homestead into decent shape, i’d slip into part-time work (in this fantasy, i’m not alone; i have a significant other) and raise veggies and chickens and knit and preserve food and teach other people about these things and live happily ever after. well, i think we’re gonna have to skip over the full-time librarian part. therefore it’s gonna take a little longer than planned for the fixer-upper bungalow, but that’s okay for now. i don’t necessarily need to own a place to start growing veggies, etc. i just need the will and a few seeds and some dirt and a windowsill, and i’m in business.

what i do need immediately is a place to keep myself warm, dry, and fed, and yesterday i may have gotten some good news toward that end. i don’t want to jinx it so i won’t go into details just yet. however, if it works out i should be able to afford to volunteer at the integral theory conference in late july, plus save up enough money for a fresh start in the fall. i’ll either go back to kc, or who knows, i could end up in the big easy. meanwhile, this summer i’ll work my ass off and will work towards getting a freelance writing/editing gig set up via elance.com.

for the first time in days, i see a light at the end of the tunnel. i just hope that light isn’t a train coming at me!

zaadz qar: what would you do if you had $10 million in the bank?

if i had $10 million in the bank, it wouldn’t be in the bank for very long, that’s for certain. i’ve always said that if i won the lottery (of course i’ll never win because i don’t play), the first thing i would do is have the public library in my hometown of sedalia, mo completely renovated. this library is where i grew up and first began to dream of worlds outside my own, and although i don’t have much to do with sedalia anymore, this would be one way i could give back and say thanks for helping make me what i am today (for better or for worse). (sadly, i am looking for something to link to regarding the library and i can’t even find anything.) there has also been a project going on for many years there to restore the black (before desegregation there in the 1970s) elementary and high school, to make it into a community center/museum, and i would donate a significant amount of money towards that.

otherwise, i would make sure that my nieces and nephew all had their college educations completely paid for. i’d also work full-time on my doctorate in the bay area, build myself a small off-the-grid cottage somewhere near some water, and once i was sure my basic needs were met, i’d find ways to give the money away, whether to individuals in immediate need or charities i support, or politicians i support, just wherever i felt led to give. oh, and i’d make sure i had a few hundred thousand saved/invested, just in case of emergency. 🙂

this post is my response to zaadz’s daily questions and reflections for march 29, 2007.