Category Archives: love

the opposite of fear

earlier this evening i had a friend ask if i was afraid of dying. i told him that i’d like to think i’m not. then i paused and said, i’m not afraid of dying; i’m afraid of not having lived.

love note to self: the opposite of fearing (i.e., being afraid) is loving. now do something with this.


repost: love of god

this is another repost of something i wrote back in march 2007. i think it’s something i needed to see now, at this particular juncture in my life. first of all, i would eventually like to be in a long term relationship, and this reminds me figuring out what that looks like for me is a continual work in progress. (however, i do have it narrowed down pretty much to these three criteria: a man who can make me think, make me laugh, and make me cum. anything else after that is a bonus.) secondly and somewhat more immediate, it reminds me that i should probably call or email my friend mentioned in the post, just to see how he’s doing.

The Love of God/The God of Love

To Love is to reach God.
Never will a Lover’s chest
feel any sorrow.
Never will a Lover’s robe
be touched by mortals.
Never will a Lover’s body
be found buried in the earth.
To Love is to reach God.
– Rumi

One of my good online friends who knows of my recent relationship woes (actually of my woes since 2000) asked me the other day if I had considered ‘finding religion’, I suppose as some sort of salve for my current situation. I replied that I absolutely could not set foot in a church right now. It’s not that I don’t have a belief in God, because I only get by because of that belief. Hoping I don’t sound self-congratulatory, I pray daily, I meditate some days, do some spiritual reading, and pretty much try to see God’s hand in everything that happens, even in the stupid shit I bring upon myself.

And yet, maybe he’s right. Not about me finding religion, but about at least finding a somewhat likeminded spiritual community. But I’m such an odd duck with my beliefs, and I don’t want a group of people who just pays lip service to what they believe, but who actually lives it. I’ve read a lot of Rumi over the past year. Rumi was a 13th century Persian poet and mystic whose only goal in life was to be one with God. I rather view him as a role model in that regard, and have tried to model some of my personal practices towards a similar goal. Then I get distracted by life.

I told my friend, and a couple of others, that I was taking a sabbatical this summer, from men and sex and relationships. I’m not getting any younger, and I really need to concentrate on figuring out what it is that I want and need in a relationship and for myself as a single woman. One way for me to do this, I think, is to follow Rumi’s lead, which is to just love God. Not to seek him/her, but just to love what already is. And in doing so, in any future relationship, I can find someone through whom I can express that love to God.

a compulsive listmaker’s dream come true

via a series of click-throughs on various websites, i became aware of mighty girl’s mighty life list, which is her listing of 100 things she wants to accomplish before the end of her life. as i am moving to columbia at the end of this month (more on that in another post, i’m sure) and turning over a new leaf, i think this is the perfect time for me to compile my own version of a bucket list for all the world (or at least my corner of it) to see. i don’t have quite 100 items here, but i’m sure it will be added to over time. some things are goals i want to accomplish, some are habits i want to cultivate, and some are qualities i want to see in myself. in no particular order:

1. get serious about blogging
2. learn to build a website from scratch
3. earn m.a. in library and information science from the university of missouri
4. master microsoft office suite, especially word and excel
5. learn adobe photoshop
6. take usda graduate school basic and applied indexing classes
7. take usda graduate school proofreading class
8. earn m.a. in either integral theory or consciousness and transformative studies through jfku (depending on what sort of work i do after library school/where i end up living; integral theory is an online program, while consciousness studies is f2f)
9. become a shaman’s apprentice
10. become more knowledgeable about carl jung, dreamwork, applied mythology
11. become involved with a gnostic community, either online or face-to-face
12. buy a small house with a great little backyard
13. take part in/start (?) an integral salon, similar to this one
14. grow most of my own veggies
15. become much more knowledgeable about permaculture and its uses in an urban setting, and apply that knowledge
16. grow a small orchard in my backyard
17. raise chickens for eggs and meat
18. learn to swim
19. take a belly dancing class
20. knit a sweater that i’m not embarassed to wear in public
21. cook dinner from scratch most evenings
22. make my own wine using fruit from my backyard orchard
23. sky dive
24. make love in a cemetery
25. visit new orleans at least once a year (if i don’t end up living there), either for mardi gras or jazzfest
26. have my home featured in a tour on apartment therapy
27. do long term volunteer work in south africa
28. vacation in amsterdam
29. have a book of my poetry published
30. have an ayahuasca experience
31. write a book on true freedom
32. take a cross-country roadtrip
33. visit turkey, including instanbul (of course) and rumi’s birthplace
34. own a viking professional range
35. begin and continue a regular yoga practice
36. get a hood piercing
37. get a mermaid tattoo
38. attend burning man at least once
39. attend sxsw
40. submit a paper to the biennial integral theory conference (possibly on integral libraries, or maybe integral applications in the organization of information???) in 2012
41. learn to change my own oil
42. visit the grand canyon
43. do a firewalk
44. make a quilt
45. learn to throw pottery
46. be a volunteer at each integral theory conference from here on out
47. visit the chapel of sacred mirrors
48. earn the majority of my income through writing and doing freelance work
49. strip and refinish my green vanity
50. give 10% of my income to charity
51. save 20% of my income
52. compost religiously
52. read sex, ecology, spirituality in its entirety
53. become a reiki master (currently at level one)
54. get a professional massage at least twice a month
55. meet derrick jensen
56. remember to love on a moment by moment basis
57. host a thanksgiving dinner
58. visit new zealand – pictures i’ve seen of new zealand’s rain forest have me convinced that it is the most beautiful place on earth
59. see erykah badu perform live
60. learn to lucid dream
61. join the peace corps when i’m in my 60s
62. grow an avocado tree from a pit
63. become a confident public speaker
64. take part in nablopomo annually
65. share my life with someone who is available emotionally, physically, and spiritually to love me
66. learn not to take life so personally

this is enough for now; there will be more… 🙂

i want to understand

i don’t understand certain people in my life. i suppose these people could say the same thing about not being able to understand me either. however, i’ve tried to be honest about my feelings and what i want, and i either get a ‘there, there’ and a pat on the head, or i get trampled on (sometimes this occurs simultaneously). a part of me wants to just say fuck it and walk away, and i guess i’ve done that in effect with one person, but can’t yet with somebody else. and yet, that seems like the only viable option, if i want to keep what little sanity i have left. and maybe i do already understand completely, i’m just ignoring the obvious: the people i tend to fall in love with are emotional fuck-ups (not that i’m any healthier than they are).

is it so wrong to want to be loved, just completely and absolutely loved, and to love in return? is it wrong to want to be the most important person in someone’s life? i know that there are a lot of people who love me and would miss me if i weren’t around, but it’s not the same thing. what’s it gonna take for this to happen for me, for once and for all? what am i doing wrong?

but all i wanted was a little (okay, maybe not-so-little) orgasm

(orgasm… there’s that word again)

a couple of days i read the most wonderful posting on the reality sandwich website. joan of art, the author of this particular entry titled ‘sustainable love’, meanders through a number of topics: sex and gender roles, anal sex, her dysfunctional childhood, her relationship with her deceased father, what it means to love gaia, and other wild stuff, and beautifully ties it all together, while allowing each reader to take from it what he or she needs.

while i certainly can’t relate on every level presented here, one section in particular set off bells in my head:

Intimacy, honesty, personal responsibility, self-knowledge, love, cooperation, and the mutual respect for boundaries are paramount if we stand a chance at achieving sustainable love. Too much karma is exchanged during sexual intercourse to warrant continued casual sex without a solid basis of friendship an acceptable meme for conscious beings unless one doesn’t mind unintentionally swallowing someone’s etheric load. Who wants to be carrying around someone’s karmic burden when you just wanted an innocent orgasm?

and she goes on: “We have bigger tasks to focus on than getting caught-up in sticky erotic entanglements that don’t have the bigger picture of our life paths in mind” (emphasis mine). amen. i mean, i read that and i was like damn, this is what i had been doing with the sgc for the better part of the year, and it probably only stopped being erotic (despite the fact that i really didn’t like him as a person) because it turned briefly into a legal entanglement. during this time, well, yes, i accomplished what i needed to as far as work, school, etc., but there was always some overriding bullshit drama going on with him, either that, or we had just had incredible sex so he could get away with murder within a certain time frame afterwards. then again, the reason the sex was so good was because most everything else was so terrible between us. we could get along like normal people for awhile, then one person would say something to set the other off (or he’d ask me for money), and the bullshit would begin anew. the sex was a release of the tension and anger that was constantly simmering between us, although i guess i shouldn’t speak for him. i mean, he did have his anger issues, but i think they had to do with women in general and not me in particular – i was a stand-in for all the women who had previously ‘done him wrong.’ still, i wasn’t innocent: i remember once noticing a long scratch mark on his back, and thinking, ‘wow i did that… i hope it hurt.’ what is that based on if not anger?

but i digress… this entry by joan is marvelous. it will become a part of my canon of life manifestos (not that this collection actually exists… yet). the reason for this is not only because of what is mentioned in previous paragraphs, but what she has written toward the end. she is writing of love and relationships and how oftentimes we feel it is our job in a relationship to somehow ‘save’ the other person, but really, while our love may act as a catalyst for that person to save him or herself, that person is the only one who can actually do it. and then, she just blows me away with this:

If our liberation resides in non-attachment to ALL areas of life, we must at least entertain the notion that the things and people we hold most precious in life – including our Earth – are the things we must let go of in order to be truly free.

the letting go of attachments to people makes sense to me, because i’m going through that now with my own family, although it’s not by my choice. however, letting go of the idea that we are the ones who are supposed to save the earth, hmmm, well, that’s hard because basically the earth is our home; we have nowhere else to go. it’s almost like the ultimate codependent relationship in that regard. but you know, basically, humanity has torn our home up, and the earth is saying ‘enuf is enuf, y’all gotz ta go.’ honestly, i don’t know how humanity will end up in the big picture; i certainly don’t think we’ll survive with the numbers that we have going on now. however, my point here is that earth’s agenda is beyond humanity’s agenda, and she is going to do whatever it takes for her to be well, even if it means most (or even all) of the human race ends up going extinct. the individual human body is a microcosm of the planet, and if you realize that the body is constantly doing what it can to keep itself in a healthy state no matter what is done to it, well, why wouldn’t the planet be the same? (read the world without us by alan weisman for perfect illustrations of this.) there comes a point when the body says enough is enough and shuts down until it is well again (or it dies…). the earth, as a sentient being in her own right, certainly can, and, if pushed as she is being pushed now, will ‘shut down’ as well, although i certainly don’t know what that will look like. i do think we are getting a foreshadowing of that now though, not just physically, but culturally and socially as well.

i write all that just to point out that true love for the earth will allow her to do what she needs to do, just as in when ending a relationship, love allows each party to do what he or she needs to do to take care of one’s self. yes, we should do all the proper ‘green’ things, like recycling, riding our bikes and using public transportation when possible, for starters, and making our views on environmental degradation known to those in power (although i still think we are most likely to just get lip service in return). it is our responsibility to take care of our home to the best of our ability (and also to experience pleasure in what she offers us to the best of our ability). however, we need to let go of any expectations about the outcome of our actions. we need to ‘do the right thing’, and knowing that we have done that, just go with the flow of whatever happens. i love, and will end with this quote of joan’s: “If we really do love the Earth, let the love for her bounty and beauty be the guiding force in saving her and not selfish anthrocentricism and survivalism.”

i want a pet gargoyle

i just finished reading a work of fiction, a rare thing for me. i was intrigued by the cover of the gargoyle by andrew davidson: a woman has two tattoos on her back exposed, a pair of angel’s wings taking up the greater part of her back and an intricate celtic cross on her upper back. looking at the reviews on, i decided that this was worth taking a chance on and added it to the list of materials currently out on my library card.

some books i can read in a single setting and while i will admit that this wasn’t one of them, i was able to finish it off in two and a half days. that’s at least partially because i had to put it down and let the words digest. the plot is relatively straight forward: a man gets severely burned in a car accident that was his fault, and as he works on healing in order to be released from the hospital so that he can then commit suicide, he meets a 700-year-old woman who knew him in a previous life, which changes everything. (see, relatively straight forward. 🙂 i won’t go into the intricacies of the story line, in case you might want to read it. all i’ll reveal at this point is that on page 172, i put the book down and started crying because of what i read. even my main man, tom robbins, with all his wicked insights and incredible way with words has never had this effect on me. plus, librarians and meister eckhart and dante’s inferno and art and languages and hell, among other topics, are swirled throughout the pages. this is my kind of book. it’s not light reading, but if you are looking for a work of fiction that can be a bit intense at times (especially descriptions of the fire and the ensuing burns that are the foundation of the plot), keep this on your short list.


here are the lyrics to the song that has been in my head over the past few days (courtesy of ):

Title: Fuck Was I (Jenny Owen Youngs)

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I’m developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I’ll be the lucky one that doesn’t get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer,
I’ve got more give than a bale of hay,
and there’s always a big mess left over.
What did you do?
What did you say?

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I’ll be the special one that doesn’t get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
and I’m having some trouble just breathing.
If we werent such good friends I think that I’d hate you.
If we weren’t such good friends I’d wish you were dead.

Oh it’s so embarrasing
I’m this awkward and uncomparable thing,
and I’m running out of places to hide.

What the fuck was I thinking?

y’all can probably guess one of the reasons this song is in my head (the sgc), but let’s just say i don’t write about everything going on in my little world.