Category Archives: dreams

the lottery

i am an annoyed woman this morning, and it’s not because i’m up at 6:30 a.m. on a sunday morning. the last two mornings i’ve had three dreams having to do with winning large sums of money from the lottery. the dreams seem so real that all three times after waking up, i’m pissed because they were dreams. yet, i probably shouldn’t be pissed, because the universe is trying to tell me something (and i don’t think that it’s literally that i would win the lottery if only i would play!). this last time, just now, i’ve asked the universe to show me somehow during waking hours what the meaning of these dreams might be.

dream 1: details are kinda fuzzy at this point, but i’m doing some sort of work that i enjoy. i’m carrying a large folder containing a number of checks i’ve received for my work, but most of the checks are for small dollar amounts. (i remember one check being for something like $14 and another check for a little over $3.) i then see a check for a little over $23,000, which to me in the dream is an indication that i’ve won this amount of money. i go to find my sister, who is shopping in an eclectic boutique a couple of doors down from where i’m working. we have a conversation which unfortunately i no longer remember, and i wake up.

dream 2: i’m in some sort of studio with my sister where she is designing clothes. she lets me know that she’s won the lottery and that i will get a  huge share of it, because she won off of $1 that i gave her and using numbers i provided. i joke and say that it’s all mine, but don’t really mean it, and am happy for her because she will finally get the house that she’s wanted. there’s a discussion on whether it’s the ‘missouri lottery’ vs. ‘the lottery’. she shows me the winning ticket and it says ‘the lottery’ across the top. she tells me that she’s won $20 million, but is not going to announce till the press conference on wednesday. meanwhile, she has to continue working like nothing has happened. we talk about what we will do with the money, and i’m excited because this means i can quit my job and build an off-grid cabin in the woods.

then i wake up, and boy am i pissed! 🙂 but i fall right back asleep and into dream 3 (which may or may not be a continuation of dream 2): i’m in sedalia in a car with my sister, and my (deceased) mother is driving. we pull up in front of our old house on pettis street, which in this dream is still standing. my sister and i are happy because we have  plans to tear the house down and build something useful there, like a community center. we’re also happy because we’re thinking of the good we can do for family and friends still living in sedalia. and of course i’m thinking again of the off-grid house on want to build and trying to determine if i should just have work done on my current vehicle or buy a new one. then we are riding in the car again, with brenda still driving, but she is turned to talk to me on the passenger side. i say something about hating having to act normal for a few more days until we get the money. i then say to brenda that the only other time i’ve felt this way is right after her funeral, when i couldn’t understand how everyone around me could go on like everything was normal when my world had ended after her death. she takes my hand (something she’d never done when she was alive) and says, ‘frank says that sounds about right.’ i ask her if she can talk to frank from the other side, and she replies yes. inwardly i am impressed by burgeoning psychic ability.

and i wake up and i’m pissed off once again!

really, pissed is probably too strong a word. however, even the $23,000 from the first dream would go a long way in helping to extricate myself from this system. (i guess i’d be using money to get out of the monetary system. go figure. that’s why the current monetary system is so fucked up.) but, more importantly, this may have nothing to do with money. however, having these dreams so close together feels like the universe is trying to tell me something, that some good, some sort of abundance, monetary or otherwise, is perhaps coming my way. we shall see. meanwhile, i’m going to go back to bed, maybe sleep for a couple more hours, then enjoy my sunday, preparing for another workweek as usual.

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review: derrick jensen’s ‘dreams’ and ‘a language older than words’

back in mid-july i wrote that i would soon have a review of derrick jensen’s latest book, dreams. however, somewhere along the way, i got a bit distracted by what is probably his best-known work, a language older than words. i first read language back in 2003, and i remembered that it had had something of an effect on my worldview. i remembered that he basically showed that the sexual and child abuse that he had suffered growing up was not dissimilar to the way our culture is treating the planet. however, with so many words and books and thoughts between then and now, i felt that, after completing dreams, it was time to go back to the work that first introduced me to his writing.

so i’m just going to say first off that i’m of the opinion that dreams is basically a rehashing of language. honestly, all of his books seem to be a rehashing of each other. however, this is definitely not a bad thing, at least in his case! what he writes is simply the truth: industrial civilization is incompatible with life on this planet and needs to be stopped. each of his books just focuses on different aspects of the destruction we are taking part in (whether we do so intentionally or knowingly, or not). a section of page 262 in language seems to me to be the point of what he’s trying to get across in all of the books he’s written over the years:

We need to learn from egalitarian religious and especially extant indigenous groups that the emphasis of our society must be on process: not on the creation of things and the accumulation of monetary or political power, but on the acknowledgement and maintenance of relationships, on both personal and grand scales.

that’s it, pure and simple. dreams focuses on the acknowledgment and maintenance of relationships between humans and what jensen calls ‘other sides’. part of the way the other sides attempt to communicate with us is through dreams while we sleep, but there are other ways, subtle and not-so-much, that other beings (for lack of a better word) try to get through to us humans. however, most of the time we write these things off as coincidence or flukes or as products of our imagination. or, we view these communications as being evil, because of some old testament verses that basically write off any extra-biblical communiques of this sort as being forbidden and of the devil. anyway, jensen’s main message in dreams is that these other sides are more than willing to help humanity bring down civilization (and that it’s going to happen regardless, whether or not humans choose to participate or just ‘let it happen’, as we so often do).

personally, what he wrote in dreams about this topic fully resonates with me. i’ve kept a dream journal off and on for a number of years, and can clearly see where some ‘other’ has been guiding me, giving me messages about what i should and shouldn’t be doing, or about my motivations, blatant and subconscious. and even outside of dreaming, from time to time i’ll get ‘a feeling’ about something, or do something that i initially find inexplicable, but eventually it makes sense why whatever event happened the way it did. for example, the morning of march 11, 2011, i woke up with a feeling of deep dread in my chest. the thought ‘something really bad is happening right now’ went through my head, and i lay there in bed, really scared. eventually i fell back asleep, but upon waking up later that morning, of course the first news i heard was of the massive earthquake and tsunami in japan. (actually, a local news station is the alarm on my clock radio, and what i woke up to was the announcement of a tsunami warning for hawaii.) the worst was (and still may be) yet to come, with the meltdown of the fukushima nuclear reactors. we still don’t know the full effects of this, effects likely made worse due to the attempted (and continued) suppression of information by japanese (and world) officials regarding this event. i’ve heard that every person in the northern hemisphere has been exposed to radiation from the fukushima event (sorry, can’t currently find a link to back this up, but will continue to look). who knows what long term effects this will have on our health? so, yeah, ‘something really bad’ happened that morning, and i was told about it by some mysterious other as it happened on the other side of the world.

dreams is an amazing book, and should be read by everyone, although admittedly if you’re not open to the idea of there being reality beyond what is seen with the human eye, you’re gonna think it’s all bullshit. however, while dreams should be read by everyone, i believe that a language older than words must be read by everyone. i think (and, as much as i understood what i was reading, i didn’t get this back in 2003) that this is the most important book i have ever read. and it’s not even for the abuse angle, which of course is important. i just think language has the ability to remind people of what’s important, of why we’re here, of what the point is. and what is the point, according to jensen (from page 150 of language)?

What if the point of life has nothing to do with the creation of an ever-expanding region of control? What if the point is not to keep at bay all those people, beings, objects, and emotions that we so needlessly fear? What if the point instead is to let go of that control? What if the point of life, the primary reason for existence, is to lie naked with your lover in a shady grove of trees? What if the point is to taste each other’s sweat and feel the delicate pressure of finger on chest, thigh on thigh, lip on cheek? What if the point is to stop, then, in your slow movements together, and listen to birdsong, to watch dragonflies hover, to look at your lover’s face, then up at the undersides of leaves moving into your movement, to bring trees, wind, grass, dragonflies into your family and in so doing abandon any attempt to control them? What if the point all along has been to get along, to relate, and experience things on their own terms? What if the point is to feel joy when joyous, love when loving, anger when angry, thoughtful when full of thought? What if the point from the beginning has been to simply be?(emphasis mine)

read both books, and other books by jensen as well. i just started walking on water: reading, writing, and revolution, his views on the educational system in this country, and plan to reread the culture of make-believe after that (plus i’m also in the middle of reading his work with aric mcbay and lierre keith, deep green resistance). however, if you are only going to read one book of his, hands down it should be a language older than words. if nothing else, it will remind you of what you deep down already know. it’s dark reading at times, but who says beauty always has to be about sweetness and light?

rumors of my demise are greatly exaggerated…

hi strangers!

i’ve been around, really i have, but you know of my tendency to ignore the blog for months at a time. i’m back, for however long it takes. (however long what takes, who’s to say…)

a couple of nights ago i had a disturbing dream. i get the first part of the dream, which involves my mother, and i even get the second part of the dream, because i’m just stating what i believe to whomever i’m talking to in the dream. what i don’t get is what the two parts mean to each other. and maybe they are completely unrelated, as things in dreams often seem to be. anyway, here’s the dream:

I am riding in the backseat of a car that my mother is driving, recklessly. We are on a busy two-lane highway, and she is weaving in and out of traffic in both lanes, almost causing several near-misses. I can see in the rearview mirror that other cars have run off the road because of her erratic driving. Finally, we do hit another vehicle in the other lane, head-on. (Ordinarily in a dream like this, I would wake up immediately before or during the impact of the crash, but did not in this instance.) The dream fades to black momentarily, and then picks up with the erratic driving once again.

We pull up into the driveway of a house where there are people we know. (Some other stuff happens at this point that I vaguely remember, and then…) The person I am talking with in the front yard suddenly runs into the house because he sees a man walking alongside the highway, carrying a huge cross on his back. I just stand there and wait for the man to approach me. He looks like Jesus, and his eyes seem to be on fire. He plants the cross in the ground, and then somehow manages to chain himself to the cross. I say to ‘Jesus’, ‘You fool, it’s a metaphor, it’s all a fucking metaphor! The cross symbolizes our egos, and your death is symbolic of us finally dying to our egos! Anybody can chain themselves to a cross, but the real work is coming down in one piece!’ And I continue to rant along these lines for a little bit. ‘Jesus’ unchains himself from the cross, puts the cross back on his back, and continues on down the road.

yeah, so what do you think about that? am i going straight to hell because i yelled at jesus?

a compulsive listmaker’s dream come true

via a series of click-throughs on various websites, i became aware of mighty girl’s mighty life list, which is her listing of 100 things she wants to accomplish before the end of her life. as i am moving to columbia at the end of this month (more on that in another post, i’m sure) and turning over a new leaf, i think this is the perfect time for me to compile my own version of a bucket list for all the world (or at least my corner of it) to see. i don’t have quite 100 items here, but i’m sure it will be added to over time. some things are goals i want to accomplish, some are habits i want to cultivate, and some are qualities i want to see in myself. in no particular order:

1. get serious about blogging
2. learn to build a website from scratch
3. earn m.a. in library and information science from the university of missouri
4. master microsoft office suite, especially word and excel
5. learn adobe photoshop
6. take usda graduate school basic and applied indexing classes
7. take usda graduate school proofreading class
8. earn m.a. in either integral theory or consciousness and transformative studies through jfku (depending on what sort of work i do after library school/where i end up living; integral theory is an online program, while consciousness studies is f2f)
9. become a shaman’s apprentice
10. become more knowledgeable about carl jung, dreamwork, applied mythology
11. become involved with a gnostic community, either online or face-to-face
12. buy a small house with a great little backyard
13. take part in/start (?) an integral salon, similar to this one
14. grow most of my own veggies
15. become much more knowledgeable about permaculture and its uses in an urban setting, and apply that knowledge
16. grow a small orchard in my backyard
17. raise chickens for eggs and meat
18. learn to swim
19. take a belly dancing class
20. knit a sweater that i’m not embarassed to wear in public
21. cook dinner from scratch most evenings
22. make my own wine using fruit from my backyard orchard
23. sky dive
24. make love in a cemetery
25. visit new orleans at least once a year (if i don’t end up living there), either for mardi gras or jazzfest
26. have my home featured in a tour on apartment therapy
27. do long term volunteer work in south africa
28. vacation in amsterdam
29. have a book of my poetry published
30. have an ayahuasca experience
31. write a book on true freedom
32. take a cross-country roadtrip
33. visit turkey, including instanbul (of course) and rumi’s birthplace
34. own a viking professional range
35. begin and continue a regular yoga practice
36. get a hood piercing
37. get a mermaid tattoo
38. attend burning man at least once
39. attend sxsw
40. submit a paper to the biennial integral theory conference (possibly on integral libraries, or maybe integral applications in the organization of information???) in 2012
41. learn to change my own oil
42. visit the grand canyon
43. do a firewalk
44. make a quilt
45. learn to throw pottery
46. be a volunteer at each integral theory conference from here on out
47. visit the chapel of sacred mirrors
48. earn the majority of my income through writing and doing freelance work
49. strip and refinish my green vanity
50. give 10% of my income to charity
51. save 20% of my income
52. compost religiously
52. read sex, ecology, spirituality in its entirety
53. become a reiki master (currently at level one)
54. get a professional massage at least twice a month
55. meet derrick jensen
56. remember to love on a moment by moment basis
57. host a thanksgiving dinner
58. visit new zealand – pictures i’ve seen of new zealand’s rain forest have me convinced that it is the most beautiful place on earth
59. see erykah badu perform live
60. learn to lucid dream
61. join the peace corps when i’m in my 60s
62. grow an avocado tree from a pit
63. become a confident public speaker
64. take part in nablopomo annually
65. share my life with someone who is available emotionally, physically, and spiritually to love me
66. learn not to take life so personally

this is enough for now; there will be more… 🙂

the bag of flesh known as gail

where to begin, where to begin… i’ve been reading jed mckenna and his first two books (spiritual enlightenment: the damnedest thing and spiritually incorrect enlightenment) have proven to be nothing less than a major mindfuck. i’m anxiously waiting for the third (spiritual warfare) to arrive, which is supposed to be about waking up within what mckenna calls ‘the dream’.

before reading his books, i had already been realizing that life is pretty much a dream and trying to figure out how to be a more active participant within the dream instead of just letting it ‘happen’, or to live more lucidly, as it were. and then i come across mckenna’s words and now realize that the only thing that matters about the dream is that i wake up from it. however, the hard part about this realization is that this thing called *i* is also a dream. i’ve come to terms with life being a dream, but *me* being a dream? that means i don’t exist. there is no me. it’s all a construct: my thoughts, dreams, memories, preferences, opinions, the books on my bookshelf, the clothes i wear, all meant to make me seem *special*, *unique*, *important*, and i’m none of those things. i’m not. the only thing i am is full of shit. just like the rest of humanity. but humanity is not my concern at this moment, or maybe it is in that i can’t deal with most members of it right now. even friends and family are hard for me to spend large chunks of time with. i think i probably have one friend, and an online acquaintance, who would be most likely to understand what i’m getting at here, that i can talk to somewhat about what this is like. otherwise, most everyone else i know (and don’t know, for that matter) is thoroughly ensconced in the dream and think it’s absolutely real and they and their thoughts and beliefs are absolutely real and that even i, the bag of flesh known as gail, am absolutely real. and they are wrong.
so, at this point, *i* am still just a part of the dream. and if i figure out who the fuck this *i* is, i wake up. (i feel like i should have the who playing in the background: ‘tell me, who the fuck are you?’) so who am i? i don’t know anymore. i mean, i was born in 1965 under circumstances i’m not even fully aware of. my supposed father, the man whose name is on my birth certificate, was in bed with another woman the night i was born because he was so upset about his wife giving birth to another man’s child. growing up, i knew something was wrong because he and i never bonded (or rarely even spoke to one another) and i had no physical resemblance to him or anyone on his side of the family. still, i spent most of my life up until my 30s, believing that he was my biological father, because i had no tangible reason to believe any differently. i was told otherwise by my mother’s two best and oldest friends only because my mother was thought to be on her deathbed at the time. however, she did get better, then passed away a little more than a year later, but never did ‘fess up; even when talking to her through my psychic last year, she still didn’t confess to it on the other side of the grave. so i don’t know anything about my biological father, other than his name and what he did for a living. this means that even on the most basic, rudimentary level, i have no way of knowing fully what this bag of flesh descended from. and it just doesn’t seem fair, but it is what it is. however, if i don’t know this, what else don’t i know???
what i do know (or thought i knew), on this plane anyway, is that i was considered a highly intelligent child, having skipped a grade in school; i have an addiction to carbohydrates and sugar that i fight daily; i get a lot of compliments about my hair; i think certain forms of anarchy would be ideal; i’m bisexual; i’ve traveled to some interesting places, but have only been outside the united states for something less than 18 hours; i’m lonely but prefer being alone most of the time although physical companionship would be nice at times; i think i’m pretty smart but also feel like a fraud much of the time… i could go on and on with the trivia, but is any of it true? i, i, i…. who is this *i* that has interesting hair, who is bisexual, who has done some limited travel? fuck. i’m… can i even write a sentence without using *i*???
whatever. i’m trying to write something that i know absolutely without a doubt to be true, and i am finding that damn near impossible to do. to me, whatever is true is that which is not fleeting and cannot be destroyed. everything about me, everything in my life is fleeting; hell, life itself is fleeting. let’s say i live to 80; that’s a mere drop of mist in the bucket of time. my thoughts only last moment to moment; my body will eventually stop functioning and be turned to ash which i hope will be used as compost on flowers with a limited lifespan themselves; all this crap here in my apartment will be given to goodwill or stashed in the back of some relative’s closet or end up in a landfill or maybe burn in a fire or in some other way be dispersed amidst the dream when I’m gone (?!); my beliefs – well we have seen how my beliefs have changed radically over the past decade. ten years ago i was a wage slave in a christian bookstore, and now look at me, derisively denouncing pretty much any form of religion or belief. (wonderful, and imho, true piece of writing by julie, mckenna’s ‘student’ in spiritually incorrect enlightenment, page 256: ‘What is Christianity but a two-bit protection racket? Good cop/bad cop. The son, our blessed savior, saving us from what? From his psychotic freakshow father who’s hellbent on burning us alive forever. What kind of twisted fuck thinks this stuff up? What kind of pathetic slob falls for it? My kind. Me. I did.’ me too, julie. who woulda thunk it?) there is nothing about me that is real, yet i have this attachment to it all as if my life depends on it. maybe that’s because my life, at least as a part of the dream, does depend on me hanging on to the fantasy. and, while it’s had its moments, it hasn’t even been a very pleasant fantasy overall. wouldn’t i have chosen things differently if i knew early on that this was just a dream? maybe, maybe not, who the fuck knows?
what i know to be true at the moment of this writing is the only thing about me that is true, that cannot be destroyed, is my awareness, which i’ve had from before i was born until now; which, in reality i had before i was conceived and will continue to have long after this body stops working. everything else is just part of the construct. and i guess my job in all this is to rid myself of my emotional attachment to the construct and embrace the only thing i know to be true. my ego must destroy itself. if i choose to accept this mission, this is going to be sooo hard. being at this point so very much sucks, because right now i feel like i can’t go back to the way i was even a month ago, but going forward will be a nightmare, if i choose to detach from all this nonreality and pursue ‘enlightenment’. but it only makes sense that i do so, how can i knowingly hang onto a delusion??? i mean, detaching to this degree is a scary thing. how am i supposed to maintain relationships? what about being a part of a healthy, loving romantic relationship, which I still have hopes for (talk about a fantasy!)? how is this even possible if i’m on this quest to weed out falsehood from my life, falsehood being defined as anything that is not 100% true? how am i supposed to show up at work every morning, let alone move to california and continue my education, if everything and everyone i see rubs me the wrong way even on a good day because of ignorance? how can i listen to the dramas my family and friends role play in daily, when i know they are not real, it’s all just a big fucking sometimes tedious play? similarly with politics, it’s all just more drama that affects a larger cross-section of participants in the play. maybe one day i’ll be detached enough to look on it all with a sense of amusement, but right now it’s just painful, because it all seems so meaningless and a waste of time, and yet i’ve got 44 years invested in it.
so, this is going to be ugly, but i have to work it out somehow. i don’t even know why it has to be worked out, but it’s something like a compulsion, i suppose. and let’s say that, okay, eventually i am face to face with reality and have weeded out all that is not true – i am this enlightened creature with the interesting hair. what does that even matter, as opposed to me living out my life the way it is now, like everyone else is doing? one key notion in spiritually incorrect enlightenment is that the point of enlightenment is to realize that there really is no point. geez, talk about meaningless and a waste of time. yet deliberately allowing myself to be a part of a delusional world is not really an option. and i realize that, should all go well physically, i’ll be on this planet another 40 or so years moving around amidst the dream, but i hope to develop the ability not to take it seriously and not to look askance at those who do. (please hurry up and get here, spiritual warfare, for some suggestions on how this might happen…) in the meantime, well, here we go… …don’t take anything personally that i might write from here on out; it’s really not you, it’s me… and i know that most people who have read this far are probably thinking i’ve gone off the deep end. maybe i have.

slight change of plans

y’all will have to forgive me (which i know you will). i know you’ve read in past posts how certain i’ve been about my decision to move to cali in january and how i just know that signposts have been pointing me in that direction, blah blah blah. and trust me, i still want to do this with all my heart and plan to eventually, barring some great disaster. and i know the universe helps out those who decide upon direction and firmly believe matthew 6:33 from the new testament, which (paraphrased) says to seek first the kingdom of god and whatever you desire will be given to you. nevertheless, maybe it’s a fear of a ‘great disaster’ that has actually caused me to postpone my dream for a bit.

this whole wall street thing has me more than a little concerned. the way things are going it will be nearly impossible to get student loans, which would be my lifeblood if i went this path right now. also, the idea of moving across the country to a place with an astronomical cost of living with the very real possibility of a major economic collapse on the horizon… i just don’t think it would be very smart at this moment. without all this avoidable (and i believe both major political parties share the blame for this) economic b.s. looming, i would still be planning to make the move early next year sometime. i mean, i keep hearing the words ‘great depression’ mentioned with this current situation. and, as much as i dislike the president, i believe that the fact that he is so involved in trying to resolve this situation when he has nothing to lose and no real stake in what happens is proof enough that we are in the midst of a genuine crisis. therefore, not having any real support system in place in cali at this point, wisdom tells me that maybe i should stay put for awhile. besides, i’m not a multi-billion dollar corporation who can depend on the federal government to bail me out should i screw up on my own out there (not that i would want the government to bail me out).

i have a decent job that i’m happy with most of the time, and there is still the option of library school, with tuition being a lot cheaper (plus i can get financial assistance from my employer). i’m not in love with kansas city, but there are things here i like a lot. i’ve made some good friends here and i am close to family and friends back in columbia. i can do this situation a couple more years, then case out the situation then as far as moving to the west coast to pursue my doctorate at ciis.

i can see kansas from my house

i don’t know why i chose that particular title, other than i loved tina fey’s sarah palin impersonation from last weekend’s snl season premiere, and it reminds me of my own diplomatic dealings with my neighboring state of kansas. 🙂

uh, anyway, yesterday morning i went to court for the last time regarding the sgc. it’s officially over, at least the legal portion. the case was dropped due to non-service (the fact that they didn’t take the time to serve his pathetic ass). i felt a sense of relief that i don’t have to keep going back to court, taking time out of my work day, and yet, when the clerk told me that the case had been dropped, for a brief moment i felt like bursting into tears. however, the fact is that we haven’t had any contact for weeks. i suspect the security guard in my building told him about the ex parte, which may be one reason why he has kept a low profile. and my psychic told me a few weeks back that he isn’t done with messing with me, that he’s just laying low because he knows he’ll get in trouble if he doesn’t. so, i don’t know what to think. the best case scenario is that we have no contact whatsoever between now and the time of my move. i can hope so. however, oddly i have been having dreams with him running around in them over the last few weeks, including dreams where the two of us are getting along well and having sex. i know this doesn’t mean that we will get along or ever have sex again or even have a civil conversation again, but i do wonder what it does mean. i don’t want to restart anything with him after everything i’ve gone through. however, i do wonder what my dreams are trying to say here. time will tell. i just pray that whatever thoughts i’m having of him are only in my dreams at this point.