Category Archives: death of a parent

the lottery

i am an annoyed woman this morning, and it’s not because i’m up at 6:30 a.m. on a sunday morning. the last two mornings i’ve had three dreams having to do with winning large sums of money from the lottery. the dreams seem so real that all three times after waking up, i’m pissed because they were dreams. yet, i probably shouldn’t be pissed, because the universe is trying to tell me something (and i don’t think that it’s literally that i would win the lottery if only i would play!). this last time, just now, i’ve asked the universe to show me somehow during waking hours what the meaning of these dreams might be.

dream 1: details are kinda fuzzy at this point, but i’m doing some sort of work that i enjoy. i’m carrying a large folder containing a number of checks i’ve received for my work, but most of the checks are for small dollar amounts. (i remember one check being for something like $14 and another check for a little over $3.) i then see a check for a little over $23,000, which to me in the dream is an indication that i’ve won this amount of money. i go to find my sister, who is shopping in an eclectic boutique a couple of doors down from where i’m working. we have a conversation which unfortunately i no longer remember, and i wake up.

dream 2: i’m in some sort of studio with my sister where she is designing clothes. she lets me know that she’s won the lottery and that i will get a  huge share of it, because she won off of $1 that i gave her and using numbers i provided. i joke and say that it’s all mine, but don’t really mean it, and am happy for her because she will finally get the house that she’s wanted. there’s a discussion on whether it’s the ‘missouri lottery’ vs. ‘the lottery’. she shows me the winning ticket and it says ‘the lottery’ across the top. she tells me that she’s won $20 million, but is not going to announce till the press conference on wednesday. meanwhile, she has to continue working like nothing has happened. we talk about what we will do with the money, and i’m excited because this means i can quit my job and build an off-grid cabin in the woods.

then i wake up, and boy am i pissed! 🙂 but i fall right back asleep and into dream 3 (which may or may not be a continuation of dream 2): i’m in sedalia in a car with my sister, and my (deceased) mother is driving. we pull up in front of our old house on pettis street, which in this dream is still standing. my sister and i are happy because we have  plans to tear the house down and build something useful there, like a community center. we’re also happy because we’re thinking of the good we can do for family and friends still living in sedalia. and of course i’m thinking again of the off-grid house on want to build and trying to determine if i should just have work done on my current vehicle or buy a new one. then we are riding in the car again, with brenda still driving, but she is turned to talk to me on the passenger side. i say something about hating having to act normal for a few more days until we get the money. i then say to brenda that the only other time i’ve felt this way is right after her funeral, when i couldn’t understand how everyone around me could go on like everything was normal when my world had ended after her death. she takes my hand (something she’d never done when she was alive) and says, ‘frank says that sounds about right.’ i ask her if she can talk to frank from the other side, and she replies yes. inwardly i am impressed by burgeoning psychic ability.

and i wake up and i’m pissed off once again!

really, pissed is probably too strong a word. however, even the $23,000 from the first dream would go a long way in helping to extricate myself from this system. (i guess i’d be using money to get out of the monetary system. go figure. that’s why the current monetary system is so fucked up.) but, more importantly, this may have nothing to do with money. however, having these dreams so close together feels like the universe is trying to tell me something, that some good, some sort of abundance, monetary or otherwise, is perhaps coming my way. we shall see. meanwhile, i’m going to go back to bed, maybe sleep for a couple more hours, then enjoy my sunday, preparing for another workweek as usual.


a review ten years in the making

this post might be considered off-topic from politics, religion, or sex, and yet in a roundabout way it’s not, because the cd i’m writing about has elements of all three woven throughout. this morning on the way to work i listened to u2’s ‘pop’. this cd, despite its less than warm reception by the music buying public (especially most u2 fans), never ceases to amaze me.

i remember when ‘discotheque’ was first released as a single a little over ten years ago. the first time i heard it on the radio, the deejay was all excited about the new u2 single, and he starts the song, and i’m like, ‘what the fuck is this???’ i thought u2 had sold out, or maybe had lost their minds. then a few weeks later, i got the new cd for my birthday, and suddenly the song made sense in the context of the rest of the cd. then i fell in love with the song, the cd, the whole concept behind it. for the next several weeks, this was what happened when i got home from work: i danced around the house to tracks 1-3 (‘discotheque’, ‘do you feel loved’, ‘mofo’) so i could get that out of my system before my ex-fiancé/roommate got home (yes, we had broken up but had decided to continue on as roommates; that was fun), and then at some point i’d retire to my room to listen to various other portions of the cd.

i have other things to be obsessed about now, so i listen to it hardly at all anymore, but when i do, it still blows me away. i think only myself and one other friend appreciate this cd for the brilliance it truly displays. let’s take ‘mofo’ . it’s a song about bono’s mother, who died when he was a child. i love the many meanings the word mofo could have in this instance: the possible oedipal reference as well as it being a motherfucker to lose your mother at an early age (or as an adult, for that matter). but more than this, the song is about the hole in his soul because of his mother’s death and his attempt at filling that hole with music. and you thought it was just a bunch of europop trash.

the last track on the cd is ‘wake up dead man’ . here are the opening lyrics: ‘jesus, jesus help me; i’m alone in this world, and a fucked up world it is too. so tell me, tell me the story, the one about eternity and the way it’s all gonna be…’ talk about powerful lyrics. yet these are the lyrics that caused focus on the family leader james dobson, apparently the decider of what is and is not christian, to pronounce back in 1997 that u2 was no longer a christian band. nothing could be further from the truth, especially if you have paid any attention at all to their last two cds, ‘all that you can’t leave behind’ and ‘how to dismantle an atomic bomb’. the song ‘yahweh’ blows that pronouncement out of the water. anyway, on one level, ‘dead man’ is about the feeling of disillusionment that anyone who has truly walked with god has at no doubt felt at certain times in that walk. and the way i see it, god can handle us yelling at him/her; god can handle us saying that the world as seen through our own eyes is fucked up. it’s then that god can show us the bigger picture, because jesus did in fact wake up (although the way i see jesus ‘waking up’ is probably a different view from most christians), and because he did, there is hope and ultimately everything is working together for our good.

okay, so maybe this isn’t so off-topic. bottom line: despite the lack of popular and critical acclaim, listen to this cd if you get a chance. behind all the glitz and glamour and cheesiness on the surface of the music, there are multiple messages here that are just as applicable today as ever. it’s still one of my desert island cds (although the notion of desert island cds is now officially silly, as i’d just take my mp3 player with *everything* on it and hope to god for a place to be able to recharge the battery). and if nothing else, ‘if you wear that velvet dress’ is an excellent song to get your groove on to.