miscellany on all hallow’s eve eve

i just returned from city market for one of the last times this year and it is gorgeous out today, although it was a bit nippy when i first went out. there are still lots of locally grown veggies and fruits to be had, but the vendors are starting to dwindle in number. sigh.

so i’ve been thinking a lot about this asperger’s syndrome thing. i think it is highly possible that i do have it, and it is also highly possible that it is ‘just’ a border line case. really i do okay most of the time, but i have been paying more attention over the last couple of days of what annoys me, and how i come across to people and interpret their reactions to me, that kind of thing. i have found that i’m really annoyed by noise a lot more than i thought, but i don’t realize it unless i’m not listening to my ipod. i didn’t listen to it for part of my trip into work yesterday, and i realized that the sound of the stop bell on the bus is literally like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. i found that i would flinch slightly whenever someone would ring it. so maybe the ipod is more of a necessity and less of a luxury to me than i first considered. 🙂

my roommate had a dinner party on thursday night and while it was nice, i felt like i was on my guard. not for anything that anyone might have done to me, but just making sure i was doing or saying the right things (which is funny because i really didn’t say all that much). then after dinner, everyone was sitting at the dining room table talking, so i decided to go to the living room to work on some stuff (on cleaning up this blog, actually). well, everyone else moved to the living room too, and i was really wishing i had my laptop back. i felt like i was expected to be in the conversation, but i really had nothing to add to it, and i felt uncomfortable being there on the computer, so i just went to my room after a few minutes. i really don’t want to be anti-social, but that’s exactly how i felt the other night. and, i don’t think saying ‘well, that’s just how i am’ is acceptable anymore. i’ve known this about myself pretty much all along, but maybe this is why i have such a hard time with romantic relationships. i’m not an easy person to just make conversation with, but it’s not easy for me to put myself out there either. (i suppose that’s true for everyone.) i don’t know. i need to see what, if anything, my insurance would cover and see about at least getting a diagnosis, so i know what i’m working with. after 45 years, this social anxiety thing is starting to get a little old.

so tonight for dinner i’m going to make this orzo-asparagus-avocado-salad-thing, substituting sliced chicken breasts for the orzo pasta (some substitution, huh?). i am trying to cut down on the carbs significantly (although i bought a piece of carrot cake at city market from a certain amish vendor i always buy from, but i can’t say no to good carrot cake). i figure this salad will work just as well with protein as it would with pasta. i made it a couple of times last year using the orzo, and it was fab. anyway, i’m gonna watch a couple of movies this evening, and before that, will try to keep track of the mizzou-nebraska game today as i do other things around the house. and that is what’s on tap for my saturday. how very exciting. 🙂

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3 responses to “miscellany on all hallow’s eve eve

  1. Hey there. I just stumbled across your blog. Let me start by saying that I am studying Library and Information Science right now, I’m originally from Kansas City but now live in San Francisco, and I suffer from social anxiety, as well (I also blog about it). Oh and I’m also interested in sustainability issues. Anyway, I can totally relate to everything you said about the dinner party, it’s not that I don’t want to be social, I just don’t really know how and am flooded with anxiety.

    Have you been diagnosed with social anxiety in the past? What kind of interventions/treatments have you used.

    Your dinner sounds amazing, by the way. I’m making some roasted root veggies tonight with tofu.

    Take care,

    Mike

    • thank you mike! i was looking at your blog, and the way you describe what’s going on in your head is *exactly* what i go through! i look and act (maybe?) pretty normal, but i’m always wondering if i said the wrong thing and tend to think everything is my fault. however, i’ve gotten to the point where sometimes i can step outside of myself and say ‘this is not my fault. the world does not revolve around me, and other people have their own issues that have nothing to do with me.’ so i’m getting better at it, but there are times when it can be debilitating. anyway, i have not been officially diagnosed. i’ve lived with it for a long time, but have gotten by well enough where it didn’t occur to me to seek help until a couple of days ago, because of a facebook quiz on autism spectrum disorders of all things. if my insurance will cover it, i’ll look into it, but can’t afford to do much without that insurance crutch. so we’ll see what happens.

      anyway, your blog is amazing. i’m going to subscribe to it. feel free to do the same with mine. 🙂 and i *love* san francisco, much more so than kc. ah, but the cost of living here is sooo much lower. 🙂 thanks for your comments, and good luck in library school. (i’ve taken a couple of classes toward my MLS, but have decided to put that on hold, for a number of reasons. so i’m working as a paraprofessional in an academic medical library.)

      take care, gail

  2. Thanks! I take those Internet quizzes all the time. They obviously don’t mean much. In fact, they just make me feel bad. If your anxiety gets in the way of your life, you should definitely seek out a therapist. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, in my opinion.

    The cost of living isn’t that much higher here because I don’t have to have a car, or a gym membership–I bike everywhere.

    That’s great that you’re working in a library. I just got an internship for the Spring and am trying to get into the public library here, but jobs are so hard to come by, as you probably know.

    Anyway, I hope your weekend is going well. I also subscribed to your blog. 🙂

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