the next move

tomorrow i’m having a moving sale and i have quite mixed feelings about it all. most of the stuff i’m selling was in storage even in kc, so it’ll be nice to get rid of shit and not have to tote it around from place to place. but, it has been so hard for me to get used to the idea of moving this time because i don’t have a real job or any money to speak of, so here i am, forced to sell my stuff so i can make enough money hopefully to pay for a p.o. box and storage unit for one month. i don’t even know where i’ll be staying after the 28th. maybe i’ll change the subject of this whole blog to what it’s like to be a homeless 45-year-old woman of color. like there’s never been such a thing before…

anyway. this sale is tomorrow and then after that who knows. i try to maintain hope that i will find a job and will once again be able to pursue my dreams (although admittedly part of the dream involves my not having a ‘job’ per se). at the same time there are certainly no guarantees, especially in this economy. and i don’t like at all the direction this country is headed, especially if congress does what i think it’s gonna do this coming sunday. so, in my head i’ve toyed with personal alternatives to the status quo and one alternative that keeps rearing its ugly head is suicide. no, i don’t *really* think i could do it, but i still think i have the right to do it and i think it should be a viable alternative for someone who has given up hope. i won’t do it because i haven’t completely given up. the worst case scenario would be for me to do it, and succeed the day before something positive was meant to happen. besides, i’m too chicken to physically harm myself. however, the fact that i’m writing even this little bit about suicide does suggest that it has been heavily on my mind, that i think my circumstances warrant considering it. so i need to change my circumstances. and i need a little help from the universe in doing so. i’m trying to do what i can, what i know, to change things around, and to control those things i can control. but i need some help here. as i said in my post the other day, is there anyone out there?

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3 responses to “the next move

  1. if you think of suicide again, consider moving to vancouver first. you can take our living room! 🙂

  2. I really enjoyed meeting and talking with you at Corinna’s birthday party. I was unfortunately over-jazzed up on strong caffeine for my trip and with my ex-wife, so there were some constraints. Mary is on a fairly consistent “down” and not coping with much, but we enjoy conversing and the same kinds of music, which is an ok basis for a friendship. There were other characters to “explore” in the house too, but you seemed the most interesting person there, for sure the most interesting female person. The cuban guy was fascinating once I got some time with him, but I only was able to get a few minutes with him.

    I’m the big bald white guy that talked a lot.

    I have a friend that has a standing offer to help someone start living on his subsistence/retreat/farm in a small house on his property. His family consists of an English professor spouse and a young son who is going to school at a local church, even though they are not church people themselves. It is a rural location and my friend is an acquired taste, so, that would involve gardening, raising birds and goats, wood-cutting, canning food, and composting, stuff like that, which is real hard work. But he thinks he is preparing to ride out what he considers “doom” that is coming. He blogs under Comrade Simba, just search. I think he’s gotten pissed off and quit at least for a while, but he is literate.

    I have a big-enough house but I’m very symptomatic and have used my rural space for a sort of protective layer of geography that seems to be working most of the time. Other times I go advocate for mental health issues at the State Capitol, and go to meetings. I’m completely surrounded by junk and not fastidious, so that is probably not enticing.

    I’ve learned that merely thinking about suicide isn’t a complete red-flag event, but that actually planning, running scenarios through my mind of how it could be accomplished, with what method in other words, and when, thinking of when would be a “convenient” time and a good place is definitely a professional-grade mental health emergency not just something to write and think about. It isn’t really a good alternative to being homeless, I’ve been homeless myself and it sucks but at least I was alive, though miserable and vulnerable in many important respects. Homelessness is very hard to come back from, too. It can be worked out of but there is a lot of competition among the homeless for resources and safe places if any place is really safe after all. Some are more convenient and seem to be safer, though.

    If you are planning, it is hospital time.

    I have a serious and persistent mental illness that puts me in situations and mood states that are pretty awful sometimes but I also get some good time where I really have more freedom and flexibility than most people seem to have. Of course, I’ve lived through depressions that were clinical-level and even inpatient-level situations. It is not really very fair to have a brain that works like that, but when I figured out that my brain was trying to kill me sometimes and that I was more dangerous to myself than anybody else was ever likely to be, at least part of the time, I did something about it. What I did wasn’t suicide, either.

    I’ve lived a few times with friends and people I’ve met in “recovery”, which worked sometimes and didn’t work other times. I didn’t fare well until I was able to get SSDI disability, due to my rather poor health.

    Getting disability, having some regular mental health care, and finding a place to live that I can rely on really helped me stay a lot better. Otherwise, I was really just going from failure to failure to failure in serial fashion, without any real respite.

    I have had at least some success as a mental health care advocate on a volunteer basis, and as a recluse a lot of the rest of the time. I do like my computer. It really helps my mental health in a way I had not anticipated.

    • hi! i definitely remember talking with you but don’t remember your name, unfortunately. 😦 but you also seemed like one of the more interesting people at the party, especially with your knowledge of music. i think your ex-wife was a little offended that i would say something derogatory about joplin, but i lived there for 18 months – i know what i speak of. 🙂 i would have liked to have chatted more, but there was a lot going on, and i was just enjoying people watching. i’m convinced that one of corinna’s friends, an older gentleman with a cane, was giving me the evil eye all night, looking at me like i didn’t belong there. but she later explained that he’s always like that and not to take it personally.

      anyway, i’m glad you found my blog. the particular post you commented on was written about a year ago, when i was having a really hard time with circumstances in my life. i was very underemployed (and my hours had just been cut at that) and my living situation was iffy and i wasn’t sure who i could trust, or shouldn’t trust. a year later, i’m in a completely different situation, with a decent job i actually like at ku med, and a stable place to live. i’m not on the verge of planning anything as drastic as what i had discussed.

      however, i am still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. i had kinda settled on the thought that i should buy a house here in the kc area, and was talking with a friend about this, and she says, ‘you want to spend the rest of your life in kansas city???’ when she put it that way, i was like, well, um…. no… but a move would involve looking for another job, well of course after trying to figure out where i would want to live (which i have a couple of places in mind). but then again, i don’t really want a ‘job’ per se, as i guess you gathered from this particular post. there is a certain way i want to live, and going to work 8-5 monday – friday just so i can pay someone for food and a roof over my head isn’t it. but the thing is that i don’t want to do this by myself, and while there are people in my life who get what i want to do, no one really is interested in actually doing it. so i don’t know what it is i’m waiting on, because i am going to have to do it myself. buddha supposedly said, ‘jump and the net will appear.’ i think i’m waiting to be pushed a little bit, so i can yell, ‘okay, okay, i’m jumping, i’m jumping!’

      so i’m going to google comrade simba now. thanks for sharing a bit of your story. i’m going to ask corinna your name again next time i see her (which won’t be until tomorrow). 🙂 hope to hear from you again.

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