will work for dignity

i’m feeling somewhat (but only somewhat) better today than from my posting a couple of nights ago. admittedly, that was a bit morose, but that’s honestly how i’ve been feeling lately. i feel quite discouraged about my inability to find a decent full-time (or even part-time) library job and about the mistakes i feel were made in my moving back to columbia. i keep thinking back on what i should have done differently (like not have left my perfectly fine job at kcpl, duh!) and how things might be now as a result. however, i do understand that there are no do-overs, so now i have to continue to figure out how best to move forward.

having caught up on some zzzz’s, i spent much of today, as i do many afternoons, searching for and applying for jobs on the internet, library positions and otherwise. that too was discouraging: i spent nearly an hour on sears’ website applying for a merchandiser position. k-mart is a subsidiary of sears these days, and i worked at k-mart for nearly five years as a model employee. i also have experience in merchandising and doing layouts and plan-o-grams with k-mart, as well as with lechters housewares and lemstone books back in the 1990s. but it’s as though sears’ computer decided, for whatever reason, i didn’t meet the initial screening criteria. maybe it’s all that library experience i listed in the app, who knows? i thought might at least get my foot in the door for an interview because of my years with k-mart and for actually having done the job applied for, but i was shot down before i barely even walked up to the door. this is so prototypical of what this whole underemployment thing has been like for me over the past few months.

there was a bit of good news, perhaps. that job i mentioned with the kc employer in my last post, well, just yesterday they reposted the position. i guess they weren’t able to find anyone to fill the position and so i’ve applied for it again. hopefully that fact, and the fact that i did call on friday to check on it after i finding the voicemail will give me a second chance and they will call for another interview. and this time i will answer the phone before it goes to some voicemail netherland again!

so, still i’m doing the job hunt thing, but i know in my heart of hearts that working for someone else is not where it’s at. my current position at b&n is obvious evidence of that. i’m a fairly smart person who is a decent enough writer and has analytical skills and various talents, blah blah blah, and yet the only kinds of jobs i can get on my own, jobs that require me to kiss ass and/or jump through some crazy-ass hoop held by control freaks, at 45 years of age, are in retail or in libraries. for this i went to college, with thousands of dollars in student loan debt as the only thing to show for it? i don’t know. i kinda have this fantasy of doing my own freelance writing/editing/indexing thing as a primary means of self-support while i go to library school. however, the thing is that self-promotion is definitely not my thing. but, perhaps it needs to ‘become my thing’ if i’m going to be able to do the things i want to do with my life. i have signed up with elance.com, although i haven’t fully developed my profile or taken the initial admission test yet (will do those over the next couple of days). it’s a start, and maybe something that can develop while i continue to look for a part-time employment situation that isn’t so humiliating and stressful. unless i get guidance to the contrary, it’s all that i know to do, and keep doing…


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