is there anyone out there?

yeah i know i’ve been away for awhile. it seems that ever since i left kc, things have gone downhill. things haven’t turned out like i planned and nothing is as i thought it was. right now i’m working 20 hours a week at barnes & noble (although for the next couple of weeks my hours have been cut to 15 a week because of low sales), while continuing to look for employment, either something full-time to replace b&n or part-time as a supplement. there is nothing here in columbia, so i expanded the search to sedalia and back to kc, and that’s not working out so well either. or maybe it would work out better if i were paying attention to what i’m doing: going through my voicemail today, i discovered a message that had been left by an employer in kc wanting to schedule an interview. that voicemail was dated march 1. i called the number back, and of course, that ship has sailed.

and, i have to move out of my current place of residence by the end of the month. the lease is up and my roommate is getting a place by herself, which is just as well. her dog and my cat do not get along at all, to the point where the cat’s home base is my bedroom, with a baby gate at the door to keep them separated. the thing is that i don’t really have the money to get a new place here in town, nor the inclination to sign a lease, since i’m trying to leave, but i have nowhere to go because i have no secure job offers, or even leads really. so i have to find a room to rent, or someplace to stay, someplace that will allow miss sofia to come along. i had planned to give her away, but really, she has been one of the rare rays of sunshine for me over the last few months. i would like to bring her along wherever life happens to take me.

i really feel helpless and alone these days. i don’t feel as though there is anyone i can really talk to, because everyone is involved in their own lives, which i suppose is as it should be. but really, i don’t even feel as though i can talk to my supposed closest friends, which is why i’m typing this out to you, dear anonymous reader. i thought my roommate was one of my best friends, and maybe in our own way we are still close, but she doesn’t have time for me. i’m not a past or potential piece of ass for her. if we do spend time together, i’m either invited along with her other friends, or she invites them along, or she asks me to do something with her and then doesn’t tell me she changed her mind because she found someone better to do. another person i thought was one of my best friends, i haven’t heard from him in months. he never forgets a date, but this year did not even call to wish me a happy birthday, so i guess that ship has also sailed. another close friend, well, there was some sort of farmville snafu on facebook, and she basically dropped me as a fb friend with no warning because i joined some anti-farmville group, as a joke. after being friends more than 20 years, it seems she took her relationship with her fellow gamers more seriously than our friendship. i don’t know. i don’t think i’m a clingy, needy person, and most of the time i keep things to myself, but i’m feeling let down right now. i just need someone i can really sit down and pour my heart out to, without them being on a schedule, without them being paid to listen to me (because i don’t have the money to pay regardless), without judgment or even telling me what they think i should do, but just listen. but that is a luxury i apparently don’t have these days.

so, things will get done eventually. i’ll find another library job that i actually care about in a place i care about and am cared about and it’ll all be fine. but, in the meantime, i have slept like 3 hours in the last two days and i have to get up in 2-1/2 hours to go back to that b&n hellhole (who would have ever thought i would hate working in a bookstore?!). my mind is racing; i can’t even form coherent sentences in my thoughts (which is one reason i’m writing this out, to help with that). i can’t pray and even if i could, i wouldn’t know what to ask for. so hopefully one of you out there reading this (if there is anyone), you can pray for me, pray that whatever i need will be provided for me. funny, because my needs have always been provided for and probably will continue to be taken care of. but right now, i’m not sure how that’s gonna happen.

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