i want to understand

i don’t understand certain people in my life. i suppose these people could say the same thing about not being able to understand me either. however, i’ve tried to be honest about my feelings and what i want, and i either get a ‘there, there’ and a pat on the head, or i get trampled on (sometimes this occurs simultaneously). a part of me wants to just say fuck it and walk away, and i guess i’ve done that in effect with one person, but can’t yet with somebody else. and yet, that seems like the only viable option, if i want to keep what little sanity i have left. and maybe i do already understand completely, i’m just ignoring the obvious: the people i tend to fall in love with are emotional fuck-ups (not that i’m any healthier than they are).

is it so wrong to want to be loved, just completely and absolutely loved, and to love in return? is it wrong to want to be the most important person in someone’s life? i know that there are a lot of people who love me and would miss me if i weren’t around, but it’s not the same thing. what’s it gonna take for this to happen for me, for once and for all? what am i doing wrong?


One response to “i want to understand

  1. i was obviously very upset when i wrote this. i have since thought about deleting it, but have decided to leave it as a reminder to myself that maybe i shouldn't be quite so in touch with my feelings at times. and i still believe that one day sooner rather than later i will find the person capable of loving me in the way i want, and who i am able to use as a way to show god my love for him/her/it.

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