interacting with god

the sgc doesn’t get it. anytime he starts talking about god, he prefaces it with ‘i know you don’t believe in god, but this is what i believe,…’ and i’ve told him time after time it’s not god that i have the issue with, it’s religion, especially the abrahamic variety, and the people in power within religion saying you have to believe a certain narrow conception of god or else you’re doomed. and he doesn’t get it with his reminders that i don’t believe in god, because, in reality, as far as semantics go, he’s right: i don’t believe in god, because belief alone in any person, thing, or idea is not proof that the thing exists. belief is based on hope, based on having seen some evidence or some sort of hearsay that something is true, but you don’t know balls to bones (thanks, oracle) that the thing is absolutely, verifiably true. so i don’t believe in god, but i do experience god on a moment by moment basis. i have to remind myself of this sometimes when i pass the homeless man on the street, refusing to look him in the eye, because i know if i do look, it’ll be into the eyes of god. it is my belief (ha ha) that we are all manifestations of different aspects of god’s character, positive and not-so-much (isn’t god described in the old testament as being a jealous god, with jealousy being normally seen as a negative trait?). our interactions with one another and life itself are really nothing more than illustrations of the myriad of ways that god has found to interact with god. god is so much bigger than the bible, so much bigger than religion, so much bigger than we can ever fathom, but because i have a different experience of god than the sgc does, we can’t even be friends (which i’m not sure could have happened regardless). another relationship bites the dust.

and i know this is the very best thing that could have happened, the best case scenario given our history. we’ve had our issues and i still think he is a selfish prick and he thinks i’m crazy and overly materialistic and really it’s mutual that it’s ending like this. aspects of god’s character interacting, huh? didn’t i just post yesterday that this shit needed to end? still it hurts. i did, and do, have feelings for the asshole, and it hurts that, okay, this is really not going to work, once again. but the reward is in being true to myself, not pretending to believe something just so i can have a warm body next to me at night. yes, it hurts, but the pain is overshadowed by the joy of knowing what i know of god, and the knowing that things are perfect exactly as they are, unfolding as things always do.

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