crouching asshole, hidden agenda

this has got to die

this has got to stop

this has got to lie down

with someone else on top

-from the song ‘elephant’ by damien rice

this whole thing with me and my sociopathic gentleman caller (the sgc) is just getting ridiculous. i just need to cut him off and not be bothered with him anymore and get on with my life. today it’s something like 95 degrees out and i live on the 7th floor of a high-rise building with no air conditioner (but plenty of fans). earlier this evening, there was a knock at my door and i answered, thinking it was the pizza guy, since i had just ordered a pizza so i wouldn’t have to hang out in a hot kitchen and cook for myself. the knock turned out to be the sgc, holding a bag of raw chicken, wanting me to fry it for him. (mind you, i have never prepared fried chicken in my whole life.) he even noticed how hot my apartment was, but that didn’t stop him from insisting that my cooking his chicken would not make my apartment any worse than it already was.

i kept repeatedly saying no, and he kept insisting, and the only way i got him to stop was to offer him a piece of the pizza when it came. so we were waiting for it to arrive and i was trying to watch a movie i had just started (crouching tiger, hidden dragon) and he asked me out of the blue what i had planned for the next 20 years. i replied that i didn’t know, but i did know that for the next couple of years i’d be in library school and after i graduated i’d get a job as a librarian and go from. then he goes on this mini-rant about how education is useless; there are embezzlers and adulterers that have an education, so education has nothing to do with morality. he went on to elaborate that he wanted to know about my inner life, where i saw myself in 20 years. well apparently i have no trouble giving this information out to strangers via this blog, but there’s no way in hell i’m going to present him, the epitome of blue/amber on the spiral dynamics scale of consciousness, with ideas such as the evolution of my consciousness and a continuing interest in exploring shamanism and entheogens. (considering all the sex we’ve had, you would think he’d know something of this part of me, but our so-called relationship is pretty one-dimensional.) the fact is that these are issues i want to spend the next 20 years, and indeed the rest of my life studying, but if i bring them up, he’ll start going on about how all i need is jesus and how he can’t see how people get along without knowing jesus, blah blah blah. (we have had some interesting conversations along these lines, since i spent most of my 20s in the place where his consciousness seems to be parked now.)

anywho… i answered by saying something about wanting to do some extensive volunteer work in south africa at some point in the future (true) and i was probably about to get the god lecture again, when the pizza man (finally!) showed up. i threw a couple of pieces at him and he left (is there some sort of metaphor in that sentence?!) and now i’m just like, why am i keeping him in my life? the sex, while good, isn’t worth it, and he’s treating me like a girlfriend/spousal figure, which neither of us actually wants (i’m not a christian like he is, so he can’t marry me; he’s not a godless heathen, like i am, so i can’t marry him). i cook for him, i iron for him, i loan him money, i perform sexual favors for him. it all sounds like at least some sort of girlfriend to me, but whatever i may feel for him, it doesn’t involve any sort of commitment on any level, other than frenemies with benefits. so why do i continue to allow him to take up space in my life?

it really is my intention to be free, to evolve my consciousness to the point where it just doesn’t matter what my ego wants. recently my reading has included andrew cohen, 11 days at the edge by michael wombacher, and the uncommon path of awakening authentic joy by mick quinn. i’m in the process of doing some of the exercises towards the end of quinn’s book, and wombacher’s book affected me so that i’m reading it again. i’m excited about the concepts i’m coming across in all these books and more, and i want to see them come to fruition in my life. however, it seems like when i feel committed to a practice or certain ideas, the sgc comes bumbling into my life again. is it that my ego is afraid that i’ll never have the attentions of a male, that i’ll never be in a meaningful relationship again (although how much meaning does this current one have?!), that i’ll never have sex again? but, if i’m free from responding to the machinations of my ego, and if through my freedom i’m serving the greater good, do those questions really matter? i hope to find out the answers to these questions and more, but first of all, i need to cut the dead weight out of my life. i mean, the man had me cooking spaghetti for him when i was stumbling around with my frickin’ star wars boot a couple of weeks ago, and didn’t even offer to take out my trash for me. it seems pretty obvious what i need to do, huh?

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One response to “crouching asshole, hidden agenda

  1. Have you read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle? Don't discount it just because it was on Oprah's book list. It talks about the ego and how it can sabotage pretty much everything. The main point is to be conscious and present in every moment and to forget the past that the ego attempts, time after time, to drag you back into.Good luck in Columbia.

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