‘i don’t have time for this shit.’ -trinity, matrix revolutions
in the interest of full disclosure, over the past few weeks or so i have been involved with the sgc again, but that involvement has been strictly one-dimensional, if you know what i mean. because of our past history, this time around, i have been on my guard, knowing that he can’t be trusted, or rather that he can be trusted to behave in certain ways, and that i could eventually count on those ways to make themselves known again. last night, without going into detail, those ways showed themselves and hopefully this time – knock on wood – we have permanently gone our separate ways.
i was upset for a few minutes, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering how i could be so stupid as to get involved with him again. then i started thinking of excerpts from the book i just finished reading, 11 days at the edge by michael wombacher (which i will be writing about in the next few days). his book is a detailed description of an andrew cohen retreat dealing with evolutionary enlightenment (i realize all his retreats are about this topic), and i’m finding that reading the book has been like a poor person’s version of attending one of his retreats. much of what i read has had an effect on me, and i’ve been doing a sort of compare and contrast in my head of cohen’s teachings with those of jed mckenna. one quote in particular from the book jumped into my head last night: ‘this moment of drama is like a fart in a hurricane.’ i was laying in my bed, looking out the window over the nighttime city and the full moon, and it hit me that this little episode between him and me is really nothing more than that, a fart amidst a hurricane. it’s nothing compared to the vastness and grandeur of our planet, our galaxy, our universe. there are probably hundreds of episodes not dissimilar to what happened between us last night happening in this city right now, and while they may be painful to at least one of the participants, in the big picture it all means nothing. and my mind thought about all that was before my eyes, the cityscape i was seeing and the bright bright moon and what lays beyond it, and how it all comes from the same source, from the big bang, and how even the sgc and i share that same consciousness and come from that same source, and that thought made me smile. i smiled because the bullshit doesn’t matter; i have bigger fish to fry. i’m still not happy about what went down last night, but i feel it was important in that it helped to solidify my priority: putting my ego in check so that the authentic self (as spoken of in wombacher’s book and several of cohen’s works) can be brought into fruition in my life.