Monthly Archives: September 2008

i want a pet gargoyle

i just finished reading a work of fiction, a rare thing for me. i was intrigued by the cover of the gargoyle by andrew davidson: a woman has two tattoos on her back exposed, a pair of angel’s wings taking up the greater part of her back and an intricate celtic cross on her upper back. looking at the reviews on, i decided that this was worth taking a chance on and added it to the list of materials currently out on my library card.

some books i can read in a single setting and while i will admit that this wasn’t one of them, i was able to finish it off in two and a half days. that’s at least partially because i had to put it down and let the words digest. the plot is relatively straight forward: a man gets severely burned in a car accident that was his fault, and as he works on healing in order to be released from the hospital so that he can then commit suicide, he meets a 700-year-old woman who knew him in a previous life, which changes everything. (see, relatively straight forward. 🙂 i won’t go into the intricacies of the story line, in case you might want to read it. all i’ll reveal at this point is that on page 172, i put the book down and started crying because of what i read. even my main man, tom robbins, with all his wicked insights and incredible way with words has never had this effect on me. plus, librarians and meister eckhart and dante’s inferno and art and languages and hell, among other topics, are swirled throughout the pages. this is my kind of book. it’s not light reading, but if you are looking for a work of fiction that can be a bit intense at times (especially descriptions of the fire and the ensuing burns that are the foundation of the plot), keep this on your short list.


slight change of plans

y’all will have to forgive me (which i know you will). i know you’ve read in past posts how certain i’ve been about my decision to move to cali in january and how i just know that signposts have been pointing me in that direction, blah blah blah. and trust me, i still want to do this with all my heart and plan to eventually, barring some great disaster. and i know the universe helps out those who decide upon direction and firmly believe matthew 6:33 from the new testament, which (paraphrased) says to seek first the kingdom of god and whatever you desire will be given to you. nevertheless, maybe it’s a fear of a ‘great disaster’ that has actually caused me to postpone my dream for a bit.

this whole wall street thing has me more than a little concerned. the way things are going it will be nearly impossible to get student loans, which would be my lifeblood if i went this path right now. also, the idea of moving across the country to a place with an astronomical cost of living with the very real possibility of a major economic collapse on the horizon… i just don’t think it would be very smart at this moment. without all this avoidable (and i believe both major political parties share the blame for this) economic b.s. looming, i would still be planning to make the move early next year sometime. i mean, i keep hearing the words ‘great depression’ mentioned with this current situation. and, as much as i dislike the president, i believe that the fact that he is so involved in trying to resolve this situation when he has nothing to lose and no real stake in what happens is proof enough that we are in the midst of a genuine crisis. therefore, not having any real support system in place in cali at this point, wisdom tells me that maybe i should stay put for awhile. besides, i’m not a multi-billion dollar corporation who can depend on the federal government to bail me out should i screw up on my own out there (not that i would want the government to bail me out).

i have a decent job that i’m happy with most of the time, and there is still the option of library school, with tuition being a lot cheaper (plus i can get financial assistance from my employer). i’m not in love with kansas city, but there are things here i like a lot. i’ve made some good friends here and i am close to family and friends back in columbia. i can do this situation a couple more years, then case out the situation then as far as moving to the west coast to pursue my doctorate at ciis.

‘every time obama speaks, an angel has an orgasm’

a friend of mine says that he recently saw a woman wearing the above title on a t-shirt, and described the fact that she had the audacity to wear this out in public as being ‘gross.’ i told him that i didn’t see what was gross about it, and in fact would wear such a shirt (if i were inclined to wear shirts that have tacky sayings on them, which i’m not). however, even though i wouldn’t wear the shirt, i would certainly buy the button and maybe even wear it around town occasionally, especially now, right before the upcoming election. (hell, maybe i’ll make my own button.) i don’t know where this particular saying originated, but it’s funny, making fun of the notion of obama being some sort of perceived messiah. i could see calling it tacky or irreverent or trashy or possibly tasteless (i never said i had taste or class :), but gross? i assume it’s the word ‘orgasm’ he finds gross, which i certainly don’t understand. yes, orgasms are messy, sticky, loud, awkward… and they are also beautiful, mind-expanding, mind-melding, the pulse of creation… i happen to believe that the universe can accurately be described as god experiencing a 14 billion year long orgasm (they don’t call it the ‘big bang’ for nothin’). i also wonder about this: if a grown man is using the word ‘gross’ to describe orgasm, does his wife agree with that notion?

anywhooo, check out this hilarious video from ‘the daily show’ the night that ‘the one’ officially accepted the democratic nomination for the presidency of the united states. warning: within you will find the line, ‘every time obama speaks, an angel has an orgasm,’ with a (humorous) illustration of said occurrence, as well as a trip down memory lane as obama’s life history up until now is recounted for the viewer. enjoy, and don’t watch it in a place where you might get in trouble for laughing out loud.

the thrilla in wasilla

yeah, that’s a dumb title, and it may not have anything to do with this particular post, but i like it… 🙂

when it comes to sarah palin, for me the bloom is now officially off the rose. as a good friend of mine says, ‘i no longer want to fuck her.’ (’tis just a figure of speech… 🙂 i still actually like her personality, and her ability to stand up to the ‘good ol’ boys’ network’, and the fact that she is a renaissance woman who can seemingly do it all. however, the fact is that she stands for most of the things i’m against, and is mostly against all the things i support, and where we agree, we agree for different reasons.

working in a library, i’ve heard a number of stories/rumors about her attempts to ban books in the wasilla public library during her stint as mayor. i believe that this article, ‘what’s daddy’s roomate doing in wasilla?’, by former ala president nancy kranich sheds some light on what actually happened. i have defended palin in the past partially because she never actually succeeded in banning books from the library, but this article tells the truth about what really happened, and makes me question what might happen should palin ascend to the presidency via john mccain’s demise. i still like much about palin, but i don’t want her forcing her viewpoints on me or anyone else. if she attempted to fire a librarian because of differing points of view on book censorship, what will she be capable of with the full power of the executive branch behind her?

i can see kansas from my house

i don’t know why i chose that particular title, other than i loved tina fey’s sarah palin impersonation from last weekend’s snl season premiere, and it reminds me of my own diplomatic dealings with my neighboring state of kansas. 🙂

uh, anyway, yesterday morning i went to court for the last time regarding the sgc. it’s officially over, at least the legal portion. the case was dropped due to non-service (the fact that they didn’t take the time to serve his pathetic ass). i felt a sense of relief that i don’t have to keep going back to court, taking time out of my work day, and yet, when the clerk told me that the case had been dropped, for a brief moment i felt like bursting into tears. however, the fact is that we haven’t had any contact for weeks. i suspect the security guard in my building told him about the ex parte, which may be one reason why he has kept a low profile. and my psychic told me a few weeks back that he isn’t done with messing with me, that he’s just laying low because he knows he’ll get in trouble if he doesn’t. so, i don’t know what to think. the best case scenario is that we have no contact whatsoever between now and the time of my move. i can hope so. however, oddly i have been having dreams with him running around in them over the last few weeks, including dreams where the two of us are getting along well and having sex. i know this doesn’t mean that we will get along or ever have sex again or even have a civil conversation again, but i do wonder what it does mean. i don’t want to restart anything with him after everything i’ve gone through. however, i do wonder what my dreams are trying to say here. time will tell. i just pray that whatever thoughts i’m having of him are only in my dreams at this point.

tiny omens add up

i am freaking straight the fuck out. i guess visibly i don’t appear that way, but inside i’m like, oh my god, this is really going to happen. *this* is my move to san francisco. i’m still in the application process for philosophy, cosmology, and consciousness program at the california institute of integral studies, but, barring some disaster i feel fairly confident that i will be admitted and should be able to get financial aid in time for the january semester. over the past few days though, a series of little events have added up to the realization that it’s time to go, that this is really going to happen, and it’s really rather freaking me out because january is just around the corner.

last wednesday, i spent half a day trying to convince myself that i should just go to library school. it would only be two years, and then i could go onto ciis or wherever with a better chance of supporting myself financially. i don’t have a partner or family members who can support me financially; it’s up to me solely, and i thought this decision would make my life a little easier as well as being something to fall back upon. (we’ll overlook the fact that doing this would also put me further into debt.) i could stay with my current employer here in kansas city while going to school full-time and on paper, it looked like the ‘right thing to do.’ the only problem is that, as i seriously contemplated this plan, i literally felt a tightness in my chest, and as i contemplated how my next couple of years might look, tears welled up in my eyes. i kept saying to myself, ‘i can do this, i can do this, this is the smart thing to do…’ but that feeling of dread would not go away. by the middle of the day, i had nixed that plan and immediately felt a sense of relief.

and right before this half day of a sort of inner turmoil, for a few days i had convinced myself that maybe i should wait until next spring to move to cali, namely for financial reasons. a delay in moving would also make it more likely that i would make my annual trek to new orleans next spring, which i was looking forward to (and who knows, maybe i’ll still go?). i certainly felt better about it than my subsequent attempt to convince myself regarding library school, but i still had this gnawing feeling in the back of my head telling me, ‘january, you need to go in january…’
okay, then this same wednesday of the library school thing, something happened at my apartment that i’m not going to go into right here, but it convinced me that, yes i need to go in january, and if i do everything i need to do, such as getting a second job over the holiday season, it can happen successfully. i finally made the decision to just do it, and ever since then, it has just felt ‘right’. scary – quite scary, but right.

ever since my return from cali last month, i have not been able to let go of the idea that i need to move there and begin classes in january. and i don’t know why it has to be january, but i guess i’ll find out once i’m there. however, i feel a peace about it, and simultaneously an unbelievable nervousness and excitement. one thing that sealed this commitment for me was a little book i read at work last friday, the alchemist by paulo coelho. it was a quick enough read and i’m a fast enough reader that i got through its 208 pages in half an hour, but its impact on me is immeasurable. simply, what i got from this fable was that once you commit to a dream, the universe will do everything in its power to help you achieve that dream. and of course i’ve heard this idea from a number of sources and people, but this particular idea being presented to me right now seemed rather timely, almost like another omen letting me know that i had in fact made the right decision.

another thing that has happened over the last couple of days to reconfirm all of this was something like an epiphany saturday afternoon. i’m taking part in a yard sale this coming weekend, and as i was sorting through stuff trying to figure out what to sell, it suddenly occurred to me that i could sell everything. oh i’ll keep my clothes and my wall art and most of my books and computers and a few kitchen items, but i realized that everything else can go; i can buy it in cali or maybe i just won’t replace it (like my microwave oven). because of the damn books i’m addicted to, i still may have to rent a u-haul trailer. otherwise, this idea of getting rid of most of my possessions is so fucking freeing. i feel like it’s the ‘right thing to do.’ i won’t sell my bed or desk or other big stuff until december right before i go to pennsylvania for the holidays, but a lot of the smaller stuff can go this weekend. and i’m surprising myself about some of the stuff i’m willing to let go off. at this point, the only thing that i want to let go but somehow can’t is the majority of my compact disc collection. logically it shouldn’t be a problem because all my music is saved in three different locations on various computers and my mp3 player. i don’t ever play individual cds any more. and yet, the physical artifacts represent some sort of history that a part of me feels i’d be throwing away, despite having the essence of the material on three different hard drives. so, i don’t know. i have a feeling i will sell most of them before i go, but i definitely have to work my way up to that. otherwise, most of my shit will be sold, with very few qualms.

so, wow, miss sophia and i really going. 🙂

palin comparison, part two

as my friend david says, let the borking begin…

and sadly, this is what i’m afraid is happening to sarah palin, and more often than not by women. i don’t get why feminists have such venom directed towards palin. even if one doesn’t agree with all of her political stances (i certainly don’t), you have to admire her for getting to the top by her own efforts: she definitely didn’t ride on her husband’s political coattails, unlike a certain junior senator from new york whose name i won’t mention. but, because palin doesn’t believe what apparently a typical feminist is supposed to believe (i.e., she’s anti-abortion, and not only talks the talk, but walks the walk), she’s been derided by the feminist left almost nonstop since mccain made his announcement last friday.

i have heard and read the most ridiculous statements about why palin is a horrible choice for veep, from the played out lack of experience argument to her ‘inability to control her personal life’ (how do her daughter’s actions translate to a lack of personal control?) meaning she would be horrible at controlling american’s lives. (the last is a paraphrase of a comment i read at the end of an article about palin; i apologize for not having made a note of the website where i read this. however, my point here is, is this why we elect a president/vice-president – in order to control our lives? if this is this case, then obama is your candidate.) however, a major area of focus against palin has been her stance on abortion, which will be my focus in the remainder of this particular posting.

one prominent argument i’m finding against mccain-palin is the fear that roe vs. wade will be overturned and all abortion will be instantaneously illegal. however, should that happen (which i doubt will actually occur), abortion will not be any less legal than it is now. it would simply mean that the matter would be turned over to the individual states, for each one to decide as it wishes. no matter how strongly mccain-palin (or anyone else) longs for roe vs. wade to be overturned, wishing real hard isn’t going to make it happen, and it seems to me at this point in our history, it has come down to little more than wishing.

furthermore, i would think that pro-choice feminists would allow and support palin’s ‘choice’ to give birth to and raise a downs’ syndrome child, as well as her daughter’s choice to begin her new family. however, it’s as though you’re only a true feminist as long as you’re pro-choice (meaning pro-abortion), and that the only valid choice in palin’s situation(s) would have been to terminate both pregnancies. because the choice to keep both babies is one that they would not make personally in a similar situation, it becomes an illegitimate choice (no pun intended) in the eyes of the feminist left. however, because of palin’s pro-life beliefs and her living out those beliefs, this actually makes her a bad mother, according to the feminist left, because she’s not staying at home keeping an eye on her teenage daughter while taking care of her developmentally disabled baby. yet a man with a similar family situation would not receive nearly the negative scrutiny that she has.

i have this very real fear that palin will be borked out of this opportunity, because of the way she’s being treated by the media. thankfully obama has the grace and decency to declare that candidates’ children should be off limits, but there is very little graceful or decent about the way that the media is all over this. i believe that on her own, palin is more than capable of handling what the media is dishing out. however, it may be a bit much for her family, especially as the media will most likely continually hound bristol and her fiancé and growing baby, as well as the running commentary as they (meaning we) watch trig grow up. she may try to declare her family off-limits, but the media will probably not have it, and she may therefore want to just protect everyone’s privacy and walk away from this offer of a lifetime. i certainly hope not, because whatever one may think of mccain, he has injected new life not only into his own campaign, but possibly into the country, by bringing in this outsider from the alaskan frontier. i may not have everything in common with her and may even disagree with her somewhat. however, it seems to me that while obama talks about change (and picks joe biden, a 36-year washington veteran – how’s that for change?), mccain has actually done something to bring it about by his choice of sarah palin. she may not have the experience at this present moment to be vice-president/a heartbeat away from president, but i have little doubt that she will quickly come up to speed.

one of the signs of the apocalypse: i actually (mostly) agree with pat buchanan about something…