i am freaking straight the fuck out. i guess visibly i don’t appear that way, but inside i’m like, oh my god, this is really going to happen. *this* is my move to san francisco. i’m still in the application process for philosophy, cosmology, and consciousness program at the california institute of integral studies, but, barring some disaster i feel fairly confident that i will be admitted and should be able to get financial aid in time for the january semester. over the past few days though, a series of little events have added up to the realization that it’s time to go, that this is really going to happen, and it’s really rather freaking me out because january is just around the corner.
last wednesday, i spent half a day trying to convince myself that i should just go to library school. it would only be two years, and then i could go onto ciis or wherever with a better chance of supporting myself financially. i don’t have a partner or family members who can support me financially; it’s up to me solely, and i thought this decision would make my life a little easier as well as being something to fall back upon. (we’ll overlook the fact that doing this would also put me further into debt.) i could stay with my current employer here in kansas city while going to school full-time and on paper, it looked like the ‘right thing to do.’ the only problem is that, as i seriously contemplated this plan, i literally felt a tightness in my chest, and as i contemplated how my next couple of years might look, tears welled up in my eyes. i kept saying to myself, ‘i can do this, i can do this, this is the smart thing to do…’ but that feeling of dread would not go away. by the middle of the day, i had nixed that plan and immediately felt a sense of relief.
and right before this half day of a sort of inner turmoil, for a few days i had convinced myself that maybe i should wait until next spring to move to cali, namely for financial reasons. a delay in moving would also make it more likely that i would make my annual trek to new orleans next spring, which i was looking forward to (and who knows, maybe i’ll still go?). i certainly felt better about it than my subsequent attempt to convince myself regarding library school, but i still had this gnawing feeling in the back of my head telling me, ‘january, you need to go in january…’
okay, then this same wednesday of the library school thing, something happened at my apartment that i’m not going to go into right here, but it convinced me that, yes i need to go in january, and if i do everything i need to do, such as getting a second job over the holiday season, it can happen successfully. i finally made the decision to just do it, and ever since then, it has just felt ‘right’. scary – quite scary, but right.
ever since my return from cali last month, i have not been able to let go of the idea that i need to move there and begin classes in january. and i don’t know why it has to be january, but i guess i’ll find out once i’m there. however, i feel a peace about it, and simultaneously an unbelievable nervousness and excitement. one thing that sealed this commitment for me was a little book i read at work last friday, the alchemist by paulo coelho. it was a quick enough read and i’m a fast enough reader that i got through its 208 pages in half an hour, but its impact on me is immeasurable. simply, what i got from this fable was that once you commit to a dream, the universe will do everything in its power to help you achieve that dream. and of course i’ve heard this idea from a number of sources and people, but this particular idea being presented to me right now seemed rather timely, almost like another omen letting me know that i had in fact made the right decision.
another thing that has happened over the last couple of days to reconfirm all of this was something like an epiphany saturday afternoon. i’m taking part in a yard sale this coming weekend, and as i was sorting through stuff trying to figure out what to sell, it suddenly occurred to me that i could sell everything. oh i’ll keep my clothes and my wall art and most of my books and computers and a few kitchen items, but i realized that everything else can go; i can buy it in cali or maybe i just won’t replace it (like my microwave oven). because of the damn books i’m addicted to, i still may have to rent a u-haul trailer. otherwise, this idea of getting rid of most of my possessions is so fucking freeing. i feel like it’s the ‘right thing to do.’ i won’t sell my bed or desk or other big stuff until december right before i go to pennsylvania for the holidays, but a lot of the smaller stuff can go this weekend. and i’m surprising myself about some of the stuff i’m willing to let go off. at this point, the only thing that i want to let go but somehow can’t is the majority of my compact disc collection. logically it shouldn’t be a problem because all my music is saved in three different locations on various computers and my mp3 player. i don’t ever play individual cds any more. and yet, the physical artifacts represent some sort of history that a part of me feels i’d be throwing away, despite having the essence of the material on three different hard drives. so, i don’t know. i have a feeling i will sell most of them before i go, but i definitely have to work my way up to that. otherwise, most of my shit will be sold, with very few qualms.
so, wow, miss sophia and i really going. 🙂