it’s not you, it’s me

i’m going through one of the oddest periods of my entire 42-plus years. on the one hand, i feel i am the happiest i’ve ever been. on the other hand, you can’t tell it by actually hanging out with me. i feel a connection with the planet and the universe and people in general that i’ve never felt before, and it’s getting stronger. however, when it comes to dealing with individuals, there is a major disconnect somewhere here. to put it simply, most people are getting on my nerves these days, close friends and total strangers (don’t take this personally, anyone; you know i love you! :). for each person that i feel is annoying the hell out of me, i can come up with a litany of reasons why this person is messed up.

so, it is slowly but surely occurring to me that all these people in my life can’t be the problem. what is the common denominator all these people with ‘issues’ have? *me*. so i think it is incumbent upon myself that i take a closer look here and find out what it is in me that is being rubbed the wrong way, and why, and what to do about it. i was writing back and forth with a friend earlier today about this, and he said (loosely paraphrased), relating it to the sense of connection i feel lately, that a part of me is on a higher plane but a part is left behind on the lower earthly plane. i’m basically on the way to becoming enlightened, but i’m not reaping the full benefits because of the part that’s lower.

in all this, i’m also reminded of something ken wilber says, again a loose paraphrase, that joy is more intense, but the pain is deeper as one’s consciousness moves upward. of course, i always thought he was referring to the pain of dealing with the world’s problems such as hunger, terrorism, etc., not personality conflicts. however, maybe he is also talking of our interpersonal relationships, at least to some degree. i need to get back to where i was when i was ‘meeting people where they were’, and appreciate people as they are now, not as they would be with some idealized perfect personality. and finally, i need to remember that i don’t have the most pleasant personality to ever grace the planet. i need to get my head out of the clouds (or out of my ass) and remember that i am still a part of this flesh and blood world for the time being. this is where the true connection that i claim i have comes into play: seeing myself in other people, not just in the trees and other inanimate objects, and treating those people like i would like to be treated myself, because ultimately we’re all a part of each other anyway. hmm, well somewhere in the bible, in lamentations i believe (i’m too lazy to look it up exactly), it says (paraphrased) ‘god’s mercies are new every day.’ tomorrow is another day for me to wake up and start it all over again.

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