reminders of why i’m currently single

i guess yesterday’s ‘fucking’ reposting has put me in the mood to reminisce. that, and thinking about my post the other day about ‘gay expectations’. in that one, i made a comment basically saying that the reason i’m currently single has to do with my wanting a ‘partner’ and not wanting to take care of/be taken care of by someone else. looking through the same defunct blog i referred to yesterday, i came across this, um, gem, and was reminded that there are other reasons why i’m single right now. at the time this piece was written, i definitely needed to be single for awhile:

diagram *this* sentence, please

Without giving too much away, I just have to say that one would think that 40-year-old men (and I use the word ‘men’ loosely here) would be past playing mind games; they certainly wouldn’t be online trolling for women, but if they were and sent you an instant message they’d let you know certain information right away instead of dropping hints that they are in a long term relationship that is ‘open’, or just mentioning casually that they have to ‘deal with the kids’, or, once you’ve had hot sweaty monkey sex (giving the people next door a new and different kind of respect for you) with this one person in particular, that person letting you know that the LTR is actually a marriage, because if you know all this stuff from the very beginning you can make more responsible choices instead of using some sort of casuistry (there’s that word again) as you go along because you are developing feelings for this person, but those feelings don’t really matter because they are overridden by the main feeling of regret: regret that you let it get so far, and regret that he is in fact married with two young children because in another time and place you might get along really well, and regret that you are really not as smart as you sometimes seem to think you are, but it’s okay because ultimately this is just another experience, a part of this thing called life, and some day you will look back on all this shit and laugh and laugh, but right now all you do is vacillate between wanting to cry and wanting to send forwards of hot steamy emails to his wife, because, being the library wizard that you are, you’ve managed to find out her work email address (even with her having a different last name from her husband’s), not that you’d do anything with it because you’re not the crazy ‘boil your bunny’ ex-girlfriend type, you’re a sane rational intelligent person who will get over this but you would like to find out just how ‘open’ this marriage really is, but you have more important things to think about, such as wondering why the men you’re most attracted to either turn out to be married or gay (or maybe in this case a touch of both), oh and if you actually manage to begin a relationship with a single, straight man who is good for you and to you, well that just bores the living fuck out of you. You wish someone would please explain to you what just happened.


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