Monthly Archives: March 2007

zaadz qar: what would you do if you had $10 million in the bank?

if i had $10 million in the bank, it wouldn’t be in the bank for very long, that’s for certain. i’ve always said that if i won the lottery (of course i’ll never win because i don’t play), the first thing i would do is have the public library in my hometown of sedalia, mo completely renovated. this library is where i grew up and first began to dream of worlds outside my own, and although i don’t have much to do with sedalia anymore, this would be one way i could give back and say thanks for helping make me what i am today (for better or for worse). (sadly, i am looking for something to link to regarding the library and i can’t even find anything.) there has also been a project going on for many years there to restore the black (before desegregation there in the 1970s) elementary and high school, to make it into a community center/museum, and i would donate a significant amount of money towards that.

otherwise, i would make sure that my nieces and nephew all had their college educations completely paid for. i’d also work full-time on my doctorate in the bay area, build myself a small off-the-grid cottage somewhere near some water, and once i was sure my basic needs were met, i’d find ways to give the money away, whether to individuals in immediate need or charities i support, or politicians i support, just wherever i felt led to give. oh, and i’d make sure i had a few hundred thousand saved/invested, just in case of emergency. 🙂

this post is my response to zaadz’s daily questions and reflections for march 29, 2007.


reminders of why i’m currently single

i guess yesterday’s ‘fucking’ reposting has put me in the mood to reminisce. that, and thinking about my post the other day about ‘gay expectations’. in that one, i made a comment basically saying that the reason i’m currently single has to do with my wanting a ‘partner’ and not wanting to take care of/be taken care of by someone else. looking through the same defunct blog i referred to yesterday, i came across this, um, gem, and was reminded that there are other reasons why i’m single right now. at the time this piece was written, i definitely needed to be single for awhile:

diagram *this* sentence, please

Without giving too much away, I just have to say that one would think that 40-year-old men (and I use the word ‘men’ loosely here) would be past playing mind games; they certainly wouldn’t be online trolling for women, but if they were and sent you an instant message they’d let you know certain information right away instead of dropping hints that they are in a long term relationship that is ‘open’, or just mentioning casually that they have to ‘deal with the kids’, or, once you’ve had hot sweaty monkey sex (giving the people next door a new and different kind of respect for you) with this one person in particular, that person letting you know that the LTR is actually a marriage, because if you know all this stuff from the very beginning you can make more responsible choices instead of using some sort of casuistry (there’s that word again) as you go along because you are developing feelings for this person, but those feelings don’t really matter because they are overridden by the main feeling of regret: regret that you let it get so far, and regret that he is in fact married with two young children because in another time and place you might get along really well, and regret that you are really not as smart as you sometimes seem to think you are, but it’s okay because ultimately this is just another experience, a part of this thing called life, and some day you will look back on all this shit and laugh and laugh, but right now all you do is vacillate between wanting to cry and wanting to send forwards of hot steamy emails to his wife, because, being the library wizard that you are, you’ve managed to find out her work email address (even with her having a different last name from her husband’s), not that you’d do anything with it because you’re not the crazy ‘boil your bunny’ ex-girlfriend type, you’re a sane rational intelligent person who will get over this but you would like to find out just how ‘open’ this marriage really is, but you have more important things to think about, such as wondering why the men you’re most attracted to either turn out to be married or gay (or maybe in this case a touch of both), oh and if you actually manage to begin a relationship with a single, straight man who is good for you and to you, well that just bores the living fuck out of you. You wish someone would please explain to you what just happened.

an oldie but goodie

the following is from a post i did about a year ago at another blog i’ve just let shrivel up and die. i’m reposting it here because of the ‘fuck censorship’ post i did earlier today. it was titled ‘fucking for dummies’, a little diatribe on misusage of the f-word. a year later, i’m realizing that maybe i should take my own advice. 🙂

fucking for dummies

I have a friend who has read my blog and made the comment that I am ‘brave’ because I used the ‘f word’ in a public forum where it could be read by anyone. I’ve thought a lot about his comment (incidentally he made several other comments about my blogging that were quite complementary) and realized that I disagreed with him (on this one comment only). Saying the word ‘fuck’, or many of its variations, in public is no sign of
bravery; indeed the brave thing is to be able to converse with another person without using it. In my travels throughout a typical day, whether it’s on the city bus, in the grocery store, being around loved ones, or complete strangers, it’s a rare occasion where I can go without hearing the words fuck, fucked, fucking, motherfucker, or a poor excuse for an euphemism, such as freakin’, flippin’, frickin’ (these usually uttered by an adolescent whose parent is somewhere nearby). Thankfully I’m in a workplace where some sort of professionalism prevails, but otherwise I feel like my poor little virgin ears (sarcasm) are assailed most places I go.

Trust me, I’m not a prude and I can throw about the f-word with the best of them. In a heated moment (and define heated however you wish), I can and will introduce the word into a given situation as warranted. A good percentage of the music I listen to and the fiction I read (and the nonfiction for that matter) has a noticeable presence of the word. I truly believe there is a time and place for everything, and that includes profanity. It seems to me that a definite downside about excessive use of this word is that it loses meaning when heard and used all the time. I know people who literally will use the word ‘fucking’ at least one time per sentence. (I’ve heard sentences like, ‘I fuckin’ hope it don’t fuckin’ rain again to-fuckin’-day.) So how is one to know if you are truly upset about something or need to make a significant point if you are constantly
fucking up your sentences with this word?

Also, excessive use of the word shows me that you really don’t have anything worthwhile to say, so you’re just filling up spaces between your meaningless words. Instead you are making yourself look low-class and just plain trashy, with a minimal education and vocabulary, even if you have an advanced degree.

I do understand the need and place for the word; all I ask is that people only say it when they really mean it. And if you take issue with anything that’s been said on this topic, please, go fuck yourself. (Just kidding…)

On a related note, I have another friend who is currently living in Ireland. She recently told me of a milder version of the word fuck, ‘feck’, that people use in pretty much the same way as fuck, except the meaning is not so intense. So I’ve been amusing myself and others (getting on other’s nerves is probably more like it) by using it in conversation on occasion.

zaadz qar: what book are you reading right now?

this is also posted over at zaadz as a response to the daily ‘questions and reflections’. i probably won’t do this every day, but will try to respond somewhat regularly. yesterday’s question was: what book are you reading right now?

right now i’m alternating between a beginner’s guide to reality: exploring our everday adventures in wonderland by jim baggott and nature, man, and woman by alan watts. lately i’ve had a really strong pull towards paying attention to how i interact with the world and trying to feel like an integral part of the world as opposed to feeling like i’ve been plopped down in the middle of it. these and other books i plan to read in the near future, along with my meditation practice, are helping me to discern what’s real and what’s now as opposed to what’s illusory, and to live my life accordingly.

fuck censorship

okay, originally i was going to do a post about this story taking place just down the road from me in topeka, kansas. a state worker was threatened with being fired because of a ‘fuck war’ bumper sticker on her car, but kansas governor kathleen sebelius stood up for this worker’s free speech rights by saying she shouldn’t be fired for expressing her opinion. very cool.

as i am writing this, i am at work, which is in a public library. i had planned to link to a photo of the bumper sticker, as i’ve previously seen it in a number of online shops. however, the child protection filters won’t let me open the actual item, in order to link to it. i do understand the need for filters in a library, especially when it comes to p*rnography, even though the word in this case is not being used in a p*rnographic sense. i also understand that filters of course cannot differentiate what is a p*rnographic meaning and what is not. however, i am bit disturbed that within this institution that champions free speech i’m finding it nearly impossible to open this link that has more to do with political expression than of something dirty.

for me, the issue goes even deeper than that. i find it very interesting that to the general public the word ‘fuck’ is unacceptable, but ‘war’ is okay, even acceptable, even promoted. ‘fuck’ can have some very good meanings (which would be considered p*ornographic, especially if done right), but when used in the context as with this bumpersticker, it’s clearly meant as an expression of abhorrent distaste for war in general. on the other hand, ‘war’ can never be good. i’m not saying that there aren’t times when it’s not necessary. defense of our country is legitimate reason to fight a war, although don’t get me started on the idea that 9/11 was an attack on our country from the outside, let alone that iraq had anything to do with it. frankly, the war in which we find ourselves currently entangled did not have to happen. still, even the winning side in a war has its share of losses, not to mention the innocent bystanders affected, yet the concept of armed conflict between two states at whatever expense in lives and money seems to be something we can live with (as long as the conflict is not taking place on our soil, of course).

here’s hoping god has a sense of humor…

yes, i have a little too much time on my hands.

go to for all kinds of good clean fun.

sadly, my friend, you are…

yeah, i can’t believe this either… after all weren’t major combat operations over in may 2003?

(thanks to nickcalyx at flickr and kate at dating god, where i first found this link.)